this is me.

Last night I got together with some friends at a local establishment to share in a brew, watch the Cowboys spank the Eagles and study the book of Mathew (in the bible). A great combination if you ask me. We do this every Sunday night, and every Sunday night I walk away thinking, understanding Mathew a little better and challenged to not only learn, but walk out the scriptures in my daily life.

We talked about the first part of Mathew 6 – 'The beatitudes'. Michael, a friend who led the way in starting this group always challenges my thinking. I absolutely love it, I love discovering new things about the scriptures.

The early Jews believed that when you discovered something new from the scriptures, that it was a blessing from God, and they would offer thanks to God, for revealing something new to them.

It's funny, but there was a point in my life where I thought I had the Christian life figured out. I thought that I knew what I believed, and I knew why I believed it. But as my friend Julia and I were talking about last night, so it seems the more mature we grow in Christ, the less we know, and the more questions surface in our soul.

I have so many questions; questions that I never used to have, questions that I once thought I had the answer to, questions that I have always been afraid to ask. And I arrive at this place and I feel like I know more than ever, that through my lack of understanding, God is working and teaching me more than he ever has before.

I call this part of my life Spiritual Puberty.

It's an awkward time in my spiritual development. My soul feels kind of funny, its a new kind of feeling. My beliefs are cracking, the desire to pray is coming up at random times and places, and I am starting to notice people, I mean really notice them. I am beginning to see my life as not just a list of goals, desires and wants but asking the question, how could I live my life to bring about the Kingdom of God. How can I be Jesus to other people?

I am beginning to understand my need for grace, not only with God, but in my relationships. I am beginning to understand that I need to have grace with others, just as it's okay that I'm not perfect, it's just as okay that others aren't perfect.

Last night Michael called me out on a small rant I had about the Christian Media. We were talking and I mentioned that I hated Christian television and radio. I used the words "right-wing propaganda" numerous times. After he laughed at me he informed me that his wife had discovered Jesus through Christian radio. This didn't stop my rant. I said something about how God can use anything he wants to glorify Himself, and that if He can speak through a mule, than surely he can speak through ignorant, right-wing propagators.

"Where is the grace," he said as I calmed down. "Have you ever sat down and talked to those who are on Christian radio and TV?"

Where is the grace? I was thinking about that on the way home -- that if I had my own radio show, that I too would have a few moments of stupidity, and though I have heard quite a few "stupid moments" of others in the media, I must realize that we all blow it. And that I refused to acknowledge the good that those in this industry are doing, all I wanted to do is focus on the negative and get angry. I liked how that felt. I liked getting angry about that.

On the flip side, why am I not as angry, or angrier with the injustice in the world? The sex trade of young children that is going on all over Asia, the genocide that is going on in Dar Fur, the aids crises in Africa, or the family down the street who doesn't have enough food -- where is my anger for those who can't stand up for themselves?

Part of me feels that I should be doing more, that I shouldn't be spending my life in some cubical, but I should be out fighting injustice, preaching the gospel, making disciples, loving those who have never been loved and teaching others to do the same.

I am scared that I am wasting my life. And though I don't know what all that looks like, I do know that I'm sure it's more than church twice a week and bible study and beer on Sunday nights.

What is my purpose? What is my mission?

Or is it that I know the answer to these questions and I am terrified of acting on them. Maybe I am refusing to live out the vision for my life that God has already given to me. So I get a big job, get in a lot of debt, not because I need all that, but I am terrified what would happen if I would finally say yes to God.