this is me.

Brick by brick, stone by stone, beliefs which were so secure are now loosened by tremors of doubt and uncertainty. The mortar that is my faith held not in place my belief in God, but belief in personal doctrine. The majority of the foundation of what I believe has not been rooted in the cross, but has been rooted in ideas of men.

Smart men, but men none the less. Authors, pastors, speakers, friends and artists; they have all shaped the box that I squeeze God into on a daily basis. Every once in a while God wants to escape, to leave the box and I am left confused, dumb-founded and full of doubt.

Doubt not only in those who have spoken into my life, but doubt in every aspect of what I think, feel and know about God. This past week has been tremor after tremor uprising from my soul; leaving me to pick up the pieces of my once intact theology.

So it seems when you are a new believer you spend the majority of your time reading, listening to, mentored by, and researching to build a structure that forms what we believe. We are told this is what any responsible, mature Christian does; because inevitably the storms of life will come, and the more solid our theology is, the more we can stand firm against the currents of false doctrine, trials, temptations and every other bad thing that happens to us. But, as for me anyway – a free thinking, educated, intellectual who was raised with the ability to think critically about ideas, theories and "facts", to not just take them a face value – for me when I inevitably begin to question those stones and bricks that make up the structure that is my faith, the entire mass begins to waver and teeter like a flexing skyscraper in a fierce windstorm.

A reoccurring thought that I have about the Christian life is that the more we grow in Christ, the more questions begin to surface. Like a butterfly that has just morphed and transformed from a season of protection from the cocoon, parts of my theology are freed from the concrete barriers of evangelical doctrine, opened up and allowed to breath. Questions fluttering around in my soul like a monarch in a open field, I feel as though God has more room to work in my life, the box that I put him in, stretches, expands and grows.

I think one of the greatest tools of Satan, is that he deceives those who believe in Jesus, into thinking that the more extensive, solid and secure their theology is, the safer the are. It's strange isn't it, the stronger we believe that our theology is the correct theology, the more we keep people out. We get so focused on our right beliefs that we become Pharisees, jerks, religious, legalistic, fearful and ineffective in living out the gospel. Show me a church that thinks that they have a monopoly on truth, and I'll show you a church that is impotent, shallow and ineffective.

I think the best thing for me, for anyone, is not being afraid to ask the following queston.

Why?

Why do I believe that women can't preach?

Why do I believe that abortion is wrong?

Why do I belive that Jesus is the only way?

Why must I believe the earth was created in seven literal days?

Why do I belive that homosexuals are living in sin?

Why do I believe the life in Christ, is the best life a person can have?

Terrifying isn't it, when we begin to ask questions such as this. Can a person love God and still be a homosexual? Can a person love God and still believe in evolution?

Even as I listed those, there are some who would assume a lot by me even listing those particular questions. We are terrified by questions that we do not have the answers to. So we get defensive and angry at the questioner; accusing and slandering -- anything to avoid thinking for ourselves and coming up with an answer that wasn't just spoon fed to us by some Christian author or preacher, but one that we have arrived at on our own.

I guess the kicker in all this, is the real possibility that there are those questions that we will never have an answer to. That we will have face the question, retreat into a humble posture and admit that we don't know.

Perhaps the best thing that can happen to our lives as believers and to let the butterfly go, allow it to flutter in our souls and enjoy the freedom of not knowing, not having all the answers.

"Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." Jesus -- Mark 10:15

Perhaps those who have all the answers should take a lesson from those that don't. That until those questions that lay dormant in their souls are freed, perhaps the Kingdom of God, what ever that means, will never come to them.