Last night was one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts were coming to me faster than I could process them. They say we think 300 times faster than what we can communicate verbally. It seems that when my room goes black, and my head touches the soft, plush brown pillow a film strip complete with audio commentary begins to play in my mind.

I jump from one clip thought to another, each one not lasting longer than a few seconds. Conversations I’ve had, situations I’ve been in, or yet to be in, my mind seems to go where it wants to. And in the theatre of my own cerebral cortex, I sit alone, absorbing what I want, discarding the rest and changing anything as I see fit.

I had a conversation with a good friend last night which was a catalyst to such rapid mental activity. We have been talking about a recent decision of mine and he was trying to challenge me on it. I apologize ahead of time for being so vague; it’s just not the right time to out myself. Just know that it is life changing, and will affect the course of my life.

Our conversations shifted from my decision, to the topic of gifts and strengths and the role they play in the life of the believer. He shared with me that because of his marriage, and where his life had taken him, that he had to “prune” some of his gifts and passions and even let some of them die. This made me upset, not in an angry sort of way, but more empathetically and compassionately. He said that he spends his time serving his wife and taking care of his home and that his new calling.

I grieved for him. I grieved because I saw a friend burry some amazing gifts that could be utilized in such amazing ways.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for him serving his wife and sacrificing for his family, but a family was never meant to justify loosing passions and gifts. These gifts were perfect gifts given to him by the Holy Spirit and it was up to him to let them grow and flourish in his life, so that others may be impacted and ultimately God would be glorified.

I think it’s so typical of our culture as well as the church to communicate these types of ideas. I mean we are born with this instinct to create, to imagine, to play and over time this creative spirit just begins to slowly die. Education, family, churches, society, friends all encourage us to grow up, to become mature and set aside childish ways. When this happens the creative spirit that I believe God has given each of us, slowly dies and we live that is ordinary, plain, boring; like the narrative that God wants to create in our lives is lost by the pursuit of money, status and stuff.

I mean the same Spirit that created everything we see around us, the universe, colors, light, and even life itself is the same spirit that lives inside of us. And if we are in Christ we should live lives that ooze with creativity. Why do sacrifice our dreams for a safe pay check, our passions for a Toyota and our life’s purpose to fit in?

Last weekend I went bowling with a theatre friend and a few of her friends. After we left the bowling alley we went back to her apartment, sat around in old furniture, ate delicious mandarin oranges, drank dark beer and talked about life. Twenty minutes after I got there, someone pulled out a bag of marijuana and begin to pass around a black and silver pipe that released the smoke in the air which created a thin layer of haze in the room.

At the beginning of the night I remember praying and asking God for an opportunity to share life with these people who didn’t know God. What ever he wanted me to do, what ever he wanted me to say, I wanted to make myself open and available.

Funny how God works sometimes, I spend my entire life hearing that I should stay away from this stuff and these type of people, but God leads me to this place where I smile, pass the pipe to the person to my left and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

We got into this conversation about the link between the biological and the spiritual. I listened through most of it, until everyone began to talk about death and the meaning of it all. One person made as statement about how all we are is energy, and energy never really dies, that when our physical body dies we just become energy that is absorbed into the universe. Everyone pretty much concurred.

Remember by this time everyone in the room was flying, so I felt free to ask or say anything I want. So I disagreed, I raised the question that if that’s true, then what is the meaning of it all. What is the purpose of life?

If it is true that all we are is energy, then our lives don’t matter and simply all we are is just electricity. I challenged them with this question.

“Do you have a purpose, a mission an instilled life pursuit?”

Silence for a full minute.

“Whoa, that’s deep.” Someone exclaimed as they reached for another orange.

“I think so,” someone said “I mean, I feel like I have a purpose.”

“What is that purpose?” I asked.

“To raise my son, and to sing.” They said.

“To sing?” I clarified. “Yeah, ever since I was really little I wanted to sing, and I am good at it.” “But all you are, is simple energy, energy doesn’t have purpose on its own, it needs to be harnessed by some outside force to do anything functional,” I responded.

“Whoa, that’s deep,” the same person mumbled as they wipe orange juice from there mouth.

I felt led to end the conversation there. Here these people were, had no relationship with Jesus, lived a life that most of us would call risky, promiscuous and “unchristian” and they feel like they have purpose. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the Holy Spirit, what ever it was, it helped me to realize that we all have this desire to do something great. No matter where we are at in life.

I think the greatest tragedy that can happen to a person is when they loose this desire to do something great. When they no longer believe that their life has a purpose; that they are simply existing to survive and to carry on the family name.

I think suicide is the last act of passion a person can pursue, that in every other area of life, their passions, their gifts were destroyed either by decisions they have made, or people in their life, or by the culture that surrounds them.

Suicide happens when people give up on their God given dreams, desires and potentional, They desperately and passionately want to take control of something, even if it is their own death. I think people give up on their passions and gifts long before the trigger is pulled or they make the leap. I think it happens when we decided to choose the ordinary over the extraordinary, the mundane over the exciting and the safe over the dangerous.

I think our society is so afraid of failure that we choose the safe way out in every circumstance. We choose a job that pays well, but leaves us empty and thirsty just so we can pay for things that we think will quench a thirst, but like a can of coke on a hot day, it just leaves us thirsty again.

We choose the suburbs because of the quality schools and safe neighborhoods all while there is a whole diverse, beautiful culture that is happening in the city.

We choose Christian friends that think like us, act like us, look like us because we don’t want to risk becoming tempted to sin. We ignore beautiful people, with amazing stories and fantastic personalities because we only like people who are clones of ourselves. Jesus never intended for us to enter a church culture that remolds our lives, tastes and passions to line up with church expectations. We are narcissistic, self centered and religious and we love other narcissistic, self centered and religious people. They validate our own insecurities, fear and shallowness.

We choose a life, a narrative, a journey which is boring because it is safe. All while we ignore all the hurting, hungry, thirsty and naked people in the world. We fear becoming recognized as one of them, we fear being seen as week, as a social outcast. We think the dirt and the failure will rub off on us. So we keep our distance, toss money to organizations that help them which puffs up our ego and we think we’ve done something good for humanity.

I am terrified that I will not make a difference. I am terrified that I am living a life that is focused on myself. I am terrified that I am living a life that loves stuff and myself and not the lives around me.

What would it look like if those who were in Christ began to live a life that isn’t defined by what we believe, but by the extraordinary lives we live? What if we spent our time, resources, strengths into pouring into others and not trying to pursue wealth, stuff and status?

Are we prepared to ask such questions? Are we prepared for the answers that God will reveal to us?

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I wanted to do something different than my normal blog. I wrote this last summer and I really haven't shared it with anyone. I guess it is something that God has been doing inside of me for a while now. It seems like when I am close to God he gives me words like this; when I'm not, I have nothing to say.

I am a speechless prophet, seeking the one who gives me words.

This is our cry. Voices from this generation sing out

Spark a fire to engulf our souls

Put a prophetic vision on our tongues

Our faith is too small, our lives are to quite

Bring us to a new place

Past our fathers hollow tradition and our mother--s easy comfort

May our eyes see what you see

May our ears hear the crying of your hurting children

May our feet bring the gospel to the wandering

Quite the voices of the false prophets

Kill our bitterness and materialism

Bring us to a new place oh God

Old men dream, dreams

Young men see visions

What does all this mean?

Help us to understand.

Let our voices cry out to a lost and dying generation

Wake up oh sleeper and rise from the dead

May your breath give life to our dry bones of fading passion

Warriors, fight like you once did

Prayers once again intercede

Revolutionaries rest no more

Healers have lost their faith

Apostles remain still,

the prophets remain quiet

Let the dancers dance once more,

Let the lips of the singers sing a new song

Let our hands heal diseases, and our voices raise the dead

This is our cry -- Voices from this generation sing out

Our words will not be quieted

Our spirits will not be tamed

Rise up and take a stand

Let us trample on injustice

And dance in His presence

Fire fall

Wind blow

Spirit come

--- Patrick Fore, July 2006

Brick by brick, stone by stone, beliefs which were so secure are now loosened by tremors of doubt and uncertainty. The mortar that is my faith held not in place my belief in God, but belief in personal doctrine. The majority of the foundation of what I believe has not been rooted in the cross, but has been rooted in ideas of men.

Smart men, but men none the less. Authors, pastors, speakers, friends and artists; they have all shaped the box that I squeeze God into on a daily basis. Every once in a while God wants to escape, to leave the box and I am left confused, dumb-founded and full of doubt.

Doubt not only in those who have spoken into my life, but doubt in every aspect of what I think, feel and know about God. This past week has been tremor after tremor uprising from my soul; leaving me to pick up the pieces of my once intact theology.

So it seems when you are a new believer you spend the majority of your time reading, listening to, mentored by, and researching to build a structure that forms what we believe. We are told this is what any responsible, mature Christian does; because inevitably the storms of life will come, and the more solid our theology is, the more we can stand firm against the currents of false doctrine, trials, temptations and every other bad thing that happens to us. But, as for me anyway – a free thinking, educated, intellectual who was raised with the ability to think critically about ideas, theories and "facts", to not just take them a face value – for me when I inevitably begin to question those stones and bricks that make up the structure that is my faith, the entire mass begins to waver and teeter like a flexing skyscraper in a fierce windstorm.

A reoccurring thought that I have about the Christian life is that the more we grow in Christ, the more questions begin to surface. Like a butterfly that has just morphed and transformed from a season of protection from the cocoon, parts of my theology are freed from the concrete barriers of evangelical doctrine, opened up and allowed to breath. Questions fluttering around in my soul like a monarch in a open field, I feel as though God has more room to work in my life, the box that I put him in, stretches, expands and grows.

I think one of the greatest tools of Satan, is that he deceives those who believe in Jesus, into thinking that the more extensive, solid and secure their theology is, the safer the are. It's strange isn't it, the stronger we believe that our theology is the correct theology, the more we keep people out. We get so focused on our right beliefs that we become Pharisees, jerks, religious, legalistic, fearful and ineffective in living out the gospel. Show me a church that thinks that they have a monopoly on truth, and I'll show you a church that is impotent, shallow and ineffective.

I think the best thing for me, for anyone, is not being afraid to ask the following queston.

Why?

Why do I believe that women can't preach?

Why do I believe that abortion is wrong?

Why do I belive that Jesus is the only way?

Why must I believe the earth was created in seven literal days?

Why do I belive that homosexuals are living in sin?

Why do I believe the life in Christ, is the best life a person can have?

Terrifying isn't it, when we begin to ask questions such as this. Can a person love God and still be a homosexual? Can a person love God and still believe in evolution?

Even as I listed those, there are some who would assume a lot by me even listing those particular questions. We are terrified by questions that we do not have the answers to. So we get defensive and angry at the questioner; accusing and slandering -- anything to avoid thinking for ourselves and coming up with an answer that wasn't just spoon fed to us by some Christian author or preacher, but one that we have arrived at on our own.

I guess the kicker in all this, is the real possibility that there are those questions that we will never have an answer to. That we will have face the question, retreat into a humble posture and admit that we don't know.

Perhaps the best thing that can happen to our lives as believers and to let the butterfly go, allow it to flutter in our souls and enjoy the freedom of not knowing, not having all the answers.

"Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." Jesus -- Mark 10:15

Perhaps those who have all the answers should take a lesson from those that don't. That until those questions that lay dormant in their souls are freed, perhaps the Kingdom of God, what ever that means, will never come to them.

Last night I got together with some friends at a local establishment to share in a brew, watch the Cowboys spank the Eagles and study the book of Mathew (in the bible). A great combination if you ask me. We do this every Sunday night, and every Sunday night I walk away thinking, understanding Mathew a little better and challenged to not only learn, but walk out the scriptures in my daily life.

We talked about the first part of Mathew 6 – 'The beatitudes'. Michael, a friend who led the way in starting this group always challenges my thinking. I absolutely love it, I love discovering new things about the scriptures.

The early Jews believed that when you discovered something new from the scriptures, that it was a blessing from God, and they would offer thanks to God, for revealing something new to them.

It's funny, but there was a point in my life where I thought I had the Christian life figured out. I thought that I knew what I believed, and I knew why I believed it. But as my friend Julia and I were talking about last night, so it seems the more mature we grow in Christ, the less we know, and the more questions surface in our soul.

I have so many questions; questions that I never used to have, questions that I once thought I had the answer to, questions that I have always been afraid to ask. And I arrive at this place and I feel like I know more than ever, that through my lack of understanding, God is working and teaching me more than he ever has before.

I call this part of my life Spiritual Puberty.

It's an awkward time in my spiritual development. My soul feels kind of funny, its a new kind of feeling. My beliefs are cracking, the desire to pray is coming up at random times and places, and I am starting to notice people, I mean really notice them. I am beginning to see my life as not just a list of goals, desires and wants but asking the question, how could I live my life to bring about the Kingdom of God. How can I be Jesus to other people?

I am beginning to understand my need for grace, not only with God, but in my relationships. I am beginning to understand that I need to have grace with others, just as it's okay that I'm not perfect, it's just as okay that others aren't perfect.

Last night Michael called me out on a small rant I had about the Christian Media. We were talking and I mentioned that I hated Christian television and radio. I used the words "right-wing propaganda" numerous times. After he laughed at me he informed me that his wife had discovered Jesus through Christian radio. This didn't stop my rant. I said something about how God can use anything he wants to glorify Himself, and that if He can speak through a mule, than surely he can speak through ignorant, right-wing propagators.

"Where is the grace," he said as I calmed down. "Have you ever sat down and talked to those who are on Christian radio and TV?"

Where is the grace? I was thinking about that on the way home -- that if I had my own radio show, that I too would have a few moments of stupidity, and though I have heard quite a few "stupid moments" of others in the media, I must realize that we all blow it. And that I refused to acknowledge the good that those in this industry are doing, all I wanted to do is focus on the negative and get angry. I liked how that felt. I liked getting angry about that.

On the flip side, why am I not as angry, or angrier with the injustice in the world? The sex trade of young children that is going on all over Asia, the genocide that is going on in Dar Fur, the aids crises in Africa, or the family down the street who doesn't have enough food -- where is my anger for those who can't stand up for themselves?

Part of me feels that I should be doing more, that I shouldn't be spending my life in some cubical, but I should be out fighting injustice, preaching the gospel, making disciples, loving those who have never been loved and teaching others to do the same.

I am scared that I am wasting my life. And though I don't know what all that looks like, I do know that I'm sure it's more than church twice a week and bible study and beer on Sunday nights.

What is my purpose? What is my mission?

Or is it that I know the answer to these questions and I am terrified of acting on them. Maybe I am refusing to live out the vision for my life that God has already given to me. So I get a big job, get in a lot of debt, not because I need all that, but I am terrified what would happen if I would finally say yes to God.

I have always pictured finding 'the one' in a more serendipitous, spontaneous event where I would reach down to grab my latte, begin to sip the foam that seeped from the hole in the lid, turn around and, WHAM…. there she would be, smiling, beautiful eyes locking with mine, a soft orchestra would begin to play as everyone in the building seem to freeze in this moment of amazing bliss.

Not so much.

Three or four times a week I frequent establishments such as this and well nothing. It's usually someone named Bill who is getting his venti, dark roast so he can hurry back to the construction site.

I guess I am a romantic in that sense. The books I've read, the movies I've watched -- it all seems to go down like this. I guess my love for the narrative always hoped my story; my romantic comedy would be as witty and charming as that of a Meg Ryan movie or a Jane Austin novel.

Becoming proactive in my "search" for romantic bliss is a difficult thing me to justify. But when it's Saturday night, and I'm in a Borders reading a book about boring things like business leadership or some dead artist of the 16th century I tend to get this wave of loneliness, like the coffee and poetry would taste so much better with the warmth of a good women next to me.

To all single women everywhere….

I think trying to describe your self on a site such as that is kind of silly. Don't get me wrong I love talking about myself, but I guess I am under the firm belief that you have to be in the presence of someone to really get an accurate picture of them. In great works of literature, you have this image of someone in your mind as you follow their life, their pain, their love. Then when the movie comes out, you buck at the idea of that same character that you had so accurately pictured in the deep crevices of your brain, is now played by a George Clooney or a Kira Knightly.

I want to say upfront, that any women will be disappointed with me. Sure I can paint a rosy picture of myself, outlining all my amazing qualities, describing my looks in some romantic, poetic fashion but you will be blinded by my ability to romantically arrange words in a certain, polished way.

I guess to some it all up -- I am your typical guy. I am not romantic all the time, I will leave the toilet seat up, and I will forget to open the door for you. I love breasts, beer and football. I like movies where things get blown up and driving my Jetta 120mph is fun for me..

I say all that to say I am not perfect, even though I tend to dress well (so I've been told) and that I can be sensitive (the artist in me), I did not walk out of a Humphrey Bogart movie. I don't have timeless, romantic sayings like "Here's looking at you kid…".

But enough about me. What about you?

Who are you? How do you define yourself? Can you be defined? Do you laugh when things go wrong? Do you get angry at injustice? Do you love Jesus? Do you love people?

Do you think marriage will fulfill you in every way?

If you are married to me, it probably won't in fact I know it won't. I need someone who is patient, kind and understanding of how often I fall short of living up to the kind of guy that you expect and deserve.

So to some it all up, yes, I still hope for that serendipitous moment where time stands still, but I guess I am starting to arrive at this place where I am realizing that it might not happen like it has been in my mind for the past few years or so.

Or maybe it will, maybe to give up hope in that takes away from the story, the beautiful narrative of my life, the beautiful narrative of your life, who ever you are.

The future.

It lies before us like a track before a runner.

Unknown, unpredictable, unavoidable.

I have been pondering this idea of the future for some time. Thoughts about quantum physics, existentialism fill my mind.

Recent conversations about Calvinism, Fatalism and Universalism rest on my soul and keep me awake at night.

I have questions, many of them. It seems like the more I grow in Christ the more questions about this whole deal I have. How much freedom do we have? Do we have freedom at all? Or are we hostages of God, forced to go to heaven, were we will worship a God that we didn't choose for all eternity. What about those that God didn't choose, will they end up in Hell, where they will be separated from God for all eternity, not based upon a choice, but by a decision from the Creator.

Perhaps a better question is this, Do we, as those whom are in God have the potential to engage with God about the future? Can we change the mind of God? What is the connection between prayer and the future?

I think we as Christians are uncomfortable with the future. We are almost not allowed to engage in a conversation about the future. We almost feel as though it is not our place, that because God is sovereign the future is off limits.

But how do we explain men like Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden, etc. These men not only believed they could create a certain future, they were on some level successful in creating (as evil as it was) a future of destruction and death for thousands, millions of people.

Is the future only accessible to the psychics, the dictators and the terrorists? What if Christians began, through the Holy Spirit began to engage with the future? What would that look like? What would our churches look like? How much more would we impact culture?

We know from scripture that God had conversations with men all the time about the future. We also know that God gave visions and dreams. God even gave dreams to pagan kings. In Jeremiah it says that in the last days, your young men will see visions and your old men will dream, dreams.

Why was this limited to the Old Testament, or even the New Testament? Paul in Corinthians even says that he wishes that we may all may speak in tongues, but above that he wishes that we may PROPHESY in love.

What does that mean? Is that possible for modern day believers?

I have studied Jeremiah 29:11 quite a lot over the past year as I have been trying to pray about my own future. We all know the text. "For I know the plans I have for you declares for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

"Plans" with our western, linear worldviews we see it more like a blueprint; where God has a detailed outline for our lives; however if you study the original Hebrew for "Plans" it more or less translates to thoughts, ideas or even DREAMS.

"For I know the dreams I have your you declares for you, dreams to prosper you, not to harm you, dreams to give you hope and a future."

GOD'S PLANS ALWAYS INVOLVES HOPE

God is not exclusive, but inclusive. It is His desire that ALL might be saved.

In Genesis 18:16 there is an amazing story about Abraham intervening with God's planned destruction of Sodom. God is ready to wipe these people out, and Abraham through a conversation somehow convinces God to spare the city if he found 10 righteous people.

God's plan was set, he had made up his mind and Abraham cried out before him, "Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are 50 righteous people in the city, will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for 50 righteous people?"

We do not love people more than God does. It is not God's desire for anyone to perish.

The staple verse of our faith explains it well. "For God so loved the world, he gave his one and only Son..."

It did not say, For God so loved the chosen, or the elect, or the few, he said THE WORLD, and everyone in it.

It is not of God, if you say that God has not chosen an individual for salvation. Jesus did NOT die on a cross so that few may be saved, but all. It is God's desire that none shall perish, but all shall inherit eternal life. And to say anything else is not a message of Jesus.

When Jesus spoke with the Canaanite women in Mathew 15; from the outside it looks like Jesus is excluding her because of whom she descended. This woman in faith comes to Jesus and asks for her daughter to be released from a demon. Jesus, in seemingly one of his worst moments says to her "I was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel." If we end the story here, Calvinism and a Fatalistic Christianity would make sense. But the conversation didn't end. The woman because of her great faith knelt before Jesus and asked again for desperate help. The disciples were pestering Jesus to send her away like a begging dog. Jesus, as almost as if he knew what would happen responded to the women "It is not right to take the children's bread and feed it to their dogs." Again in her faith and desperation responded, "Yes Lord, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the masters table." Jesus commended her faith, and delivered her daughter.

I believe this was a lesson to both the disciples and to us. It does not matter your ethnicity, your background, your education you race, your sexual orientation, God came to earth to save all for those who come to Jesus in faith.

Jesus said there is a narrow gate and a wide gate, and that many will CHOOSE the wide gate that leads to death, and that few will choose the narrow gate and choose life.

We are called in Mathew 28:19 to extend to all areas of the earth and make disciples and baptize. We do this to fulfill the commission that Jesus laid out for us before He ascended into heaven.

Yes, it is true that God chosen you, however it is also true that He has chosen your family, your friends, your coworkers, your town, your country, your world to come to know him. And He has chosen you, to bring the hope and truth to them.