this is me.

It’s amazing how quickly things can change in ones life. Thoughts, perspectives, relationships, passions; they all can shift at a moments notice.

I guess I’ve lived my life up to this point a certain way, it has worked in a few ways, but in many more it has failed me. I’m alive, I’m doing ok. But I think I am approaching a season of my life of intense change. I guess I’m tired and warn out of living the way I am. I’ve kept up this certain image for far to long, my life isn’t defined by authenticity, but more or less trying to be someone I’m not.

I shaved my head yesterday. I guess it’s symbolic in a way. It was hard to do. I’ve literally had to grieve its loss. I had a dream last night where I woke up and all my hair back again. I don’t know if I’m at the point of regretting it, but I seriously question myself for doing it. I guess it’s symbolic in the sense that I know that God has been leading me to rid my life of some hard stuff. I know that God is calling me to be someone, which differs from the person that I currently am. For far too long I have been shaped and molded by society and other people’s opinions and I am quite frankly tired of it.

Today has been a day of feeling sorry for myself; depression might be the right word for it. I guess I don’t know what is in store for the road ahead. There are feelings of fear, and excitement. Feelings of pain and joy in knowing that I am turning a corner in my life, and maybe these feelings are feelings that of grief, in that I am losing something, I am loosing a part of me that has been with me for a long time.

What started this? What started this sort of thinking? I can’t say all, but a lot of this came from a book that God used as a mirror to show me a life that I should be living, and a life that I should be leaving.

It’s a paper back, approximately 350 pages, on the cover it has the texture of a cardboard box and on the binding it creates the illusion that it’s held together with duct-tape. On the left margin of the cover it’s a picture the author Shane Claiborne. He is pretty normal looking 20-something, square trendy glasses, and a patch of hair that covers his chin. I guess what makes him stand out is the bandanna that holds back his long, shaggy hair. The title of the book is in that of a vintage maroon font, “The Irresistible Revolution,” it reads, with a sub-title of “Living as an ordinary radical,”.

I picked up this book not knowing what to expect, I hadn’t heard anything about it. The only reason I bought was because some of my favorite authors had indorsed it. I would suggest that you go out and by this book, but I’m not going to. I hate it. I haven’t been able to read it for the past two days. I’m only on page 114 and I don’t know if I can get through the rest. I seriously don’t suggest reading this book unless you want your faith, your life to be rocked.

For the past 8-years of my life I thought I have been a Christ Follower. I’ve learned that I haven’t covered much ground. I live so selfishly, always thinking about me and my needs. My goals and my plans for the future, I guess it doesn’t matter so much anymore, my plans that is, and I guess I am at the point where I am ready to learn how to give my life away, as apposed to just living my life.

I feel like I need to make a choice. Either I completely walk away from my faith leaving everything behind, and pursue a life that part of me desires, making money, having sex and doing what I want, or I truly lay my life down at the cross, and pick up a huge burden of living out the kingdom of God.

Each side has its positives and negatives, each side I could maybe see myself doing, each side scares me. But I’m learning that I can’t have a mixture of the two.

Please pray for me as I make this choice, I don’t know what to expect, and what all this means. I am in a weird state right now and it’s all rather new to me.

Although now a cliché’, I feel like Neo in the Matrix and I have a choice of what pill to take. One pill is that of mediocrity, and the other scares the shit out of me.