this is me.

Confessions -- Moving from sinner to sainthood.

"Beeeep, Beeeep, Beeeep, Beeeep"

That's all I hear before my arm instinctively swings around and smacks the long snooze button on my abrasive and annoying alarm clock.

I don't want to get up, I'll just stay here in the warmth and security of my baby blue down comforter and my white over stuffed pillows in my chilled, two bedroom apartment.

By the second or third round of loud, annoying noises blaring from the little white box that sits on my night stand next to my Zen water fountain and a copy of 'The Message' and an warn in copy of Blue Like Jazz; my body slowly awakens to a new day, a fresh start, once again a chance to change my world, make it a better place.

Maybe that is a little to idealistic; that's now what I think. Honestly I think how I dread to get out of my warm safe-haven to make my way to my small bathroom.

My life I feel, has taken a 90-degree turn the past couple of weeks. Priorities have shifted, my confidence has risen and I feel like I am making my first steps into adulthood.

Things are going pretty well for me right now; I received a great job doing what I love. I honestly look forward to going to work in the morning. I go in early, and work late. Last Monday was my first day at the Dubuque Telegraph Herald. I was hired to be a creative artist. A perfect job for me really. I am excited, energized by ever project to which I am assigned.

But in the back in my mind I can't help but think is this job my new life? Is this what I will be doing in 20, 30 years down the road? Don't get me wrong, that wouldn't be a bad thing. I love doing design, and to pay me for something I am going to do anyway is always a good thing.

I am scared though, I am scared of loosing my faith. There I said it. I have been struggling with this thought this whole week.

I don't know what to think about this because it's a weird concept to me. Since I was 15 there has always been the Christianity, the church involved in my life. The church for me has been a huge blessing in my life. God has given me opportunities to do amazing things, go to places I never thought I would go, meet the most interesting people. But honestly at this point I know that something dramatic has to change in my faith, or I feel like I'm inadvertently, slowly being pulled down a road in which I never thought I would be.

To get me wrong, I'm not going turning gay or developing an chemical addiction, but I am just loosing my energy to pursue things that have to do with Christianity.

I still read my bible, still pray…But I honestly feel like in terms of living a passionate Christian life, I want it all, or I would rather observe from a distance.

I had a conversation with my pastor recently that really got me thinking about how I've lived my life since I've became a Christian. I realized that I really haven't been honest with my self, or others in the faith a lot of the time about how I'm doing or what is happening with my relationship with God.

The more I got involved in the church, the less honest I felt I could be. So I lied, a lot, about what was going on my life. I was so passionately driven to rising up in the ministry and being this faith hero to people that I started to live in this denial about how I was doing and who I was.

I learned to say the right things to the right people to get noticed. I found my identity not in Christ, but how cool and recognized I was within the church.

Growing up I have always struggled with identity issues, self confidence wasn't something I had a lot of. When I became a "Christian", or started to attend my youth group, I learned that I could perhaps reach some level of being accepted if I just said the right things, acted a certain way around the right people.

So I started listening to Christian music and reading Christian books and going to all the church events. I learned how to lead a small group, learned how to pray right, learned how to talk the talk. All this was so that I could be accepted by a group of people who looked past how I dressed how "uncool" my hair cut was.

I learned to use the church for my own relational gain and self assurance. This has gone on since I stepped into the church for the first time when I was 15.

I recently read the book 'Velvet Elvis' by Rob Bell, and it really convicted me about a lot of these areas. One point in the book, it talked about how we need to take all our skeletons and take them out in the back yard and shoot them. Expose them and leave them for dead and move on with our life.

I am starting to figure out that I need to shoot my skeletons.

For so long I have been so afraid that keeping my skeletons in the closet was helping me elevate my status in the church and the ministry. The longer my life went on, the more I convinced that said skeletons didn't even exist. So I went on with my life and tried not to think about my past, my failures, my sins, my addictions all the hidden things in my life that would hinder my success.

This might sound silly to you, but a couple weeks ago I had a paradigm shift, it I truly think was a milestone in my life. I realized something.

I hate sports.

I could care less about baseball or the super bowl. I am not a naturally competitive person in that regard.

Growing up, sports was preached to me from everywhere, my parents, the media, my peers, everyone telling me that I should play football and root for a certain team.

I don't care, I never have.

So I lied.

When I was in 5^th grade I told people that I played pee-wee hockey and played for a football team in town.

I learned that if say the right things to the right people that, poof, instantly I'm a star. With out even running a yard or throwing a pass, it didn't matter because people naturally believe people. People, even kids want to see others succeed, I manipulated that.

Getting this job for me was a wake up call for me. I got this job on my own merit, my own talent, my own skill. There wasn't any lying evolved. My employer saw my portfolio and my experience and decided to hire me based upon these three things.

It felt so good, a feeling of accomplishment that was almost foreign to me.

I honestly feel like if I return to the church, it has to be a fresh start. I am no longer "Patrick Fore, experienced and seasoned in all things Christian", but "Patrick Fore, sinner, saved by grace, redeemed by the blood of Christ that was shed on the Cross, made new by the mercy and goodness of God."

I mentioned in my last post that I was beginning a book.

It's true, I am, I thought I would post the progress as it is made at some point.

I decided to call it 'Confessions', from sinner, to sainthood.

I guess it is my way of shooting my skeletons once and for all. I am terrified for people to read it. But it I think will hit home with a lot people and well as is a catalyst for huge change in my life.

This I know is to long already so I will end it there. I welcome for feedback, but please don't preach feel the need to give advise, I need to figure this thing out on my own.