The space is modern, nothing special. Grey carpeting, white walls. If it wasn’t for the grey padded chairs that are lined up in a liner fashion and the oversized black stage, you would swear cubicles would be suitable for this environment.

But in the midst of the corporate-like environment -- God is here. After spending only a few minutes in the worship space at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, Missouri, the words “angels playground” came to mind. I could almost see the the spirit of God dancing -- to the music that He directs through the 20-something worship leaders.

It just amazes me so much, that I can drive 8-hours and pull into this parking lot, buy a mocha and enter this space and be amongst fellow believers who share the same passion as I do.

Sure I don’t know their names, in fact I don’t know anyone here. But I don’t think that matters to much. We are all united under one spirit, we are all worshiping the same God that called each of us by name, that paid for the sins that we are now free from.

And in this moment, this day, he draws us all together, to worship in perfect unity. We are now closer than any blood relatives could ever be. Our spirits are connected as we are connected to The Spirit.

I feel like this is is the first of a few oasis's of my trip. That God has led me here, to let me drink from the cup, rest in the presence and consume the word.
My narrative, my story that God has so uniquely shaped for my life is becoming more and more interesting all the time. I feel as though I am in the midst of pivoting the course of my life.

I feel like the past year God has let me taste the life that I desired in the beginning -- only to revel the life that He has for me.

I have no idea what this next week, month, year will look like -- however I know that what ever happends -- the life I live will not be ordinary.

May my God’s will become evident in my life. May the love of Christ be evident in my actions and words. May the Spirit that empowered great men like Peter, John, Paul empower me today. May my life be extraordinary, not for the elevation of my name -- but to Glorify the one I strive to follow.

A change is coming (or pass the Tylenol)

I have been feeling melancholy the past few days. Close friends can tell that my soul is weighing heavy. I have so much on my mind. I save-face by claiming that I'm tired or it's a simple headache, however I feel as though that it is so much more than something a couple Tylenol can cure.

In this in-between stage of my life, I feel as though I am grieving for the life that I am leaving behind and anxious for the new path I have decided to take. So much is going to change, so much is going to be different, and I can't help but feel as though my life will be so much more fulfilling and fruitful.

I had a conversation with my new doctor friend Adam a few nights ago that has been weighing on my mind. I met Adam through the current theatrical production I am involved with. He is a charismatic, very outgoing, positive and loving person. He deeply cares about people, and is the type of person that everyone wants to be around. I feel as though sometimes Adam knows more about me than perhaps myself. That he can see through the aloof, guarded exterior that I tend to hide behind.

Isn't it amazing how a couple of insightful observations from a good friend can totally rock your world, can shift your paradigms and leave you contemplative for days, weeks, months.

"I would love to see you in five-years Patrick," Adam said with a slight grin as he sipped his Killians long-neck. "What do you mean?" I said as I stared into my overly sweet Margarita.

"I see you desperately trying to break out of this mold, this cocoon of fear if you will," Adam responded in his overly enthusiastic way. "Once you break out of it, your whole life will change, your body, your thinking, your attitude, I can't wait to see you in five years."

I guess it is true that I have let fear shape pretty much every area of my life. Most of my life I have made decisions based upon desperately needing acceptance from those around me. I am terrified of showing emotion, my true colors and what is really going inside of my head.

Adam has been one of my biggest encouragers the past few months as I have had to make some life altering decisions. He helped me to figure out that I shouldn't settle for a job that doesn't pay what I don't deserve. That I deserve better than the narrow-mindedness in which I come across at work. I can have the life that I truly desire and not settle for a life that is safe, but sacrificing my true happiness, calling and passions.

"Patrick just love yourself, trust your self, do what makes you happy." Adam always says when I want to complain and bitch about life, work and whatever.

I am starting to figure out that culture doesn't do a very good job at teaching us how to "love ourselves". We go to schools where science and math are placed in the top priority over art and music. We are surrounded by an athletic worshiping high-school where the painters and actors are sitting in the back row secretly envious of the football players and the attention they receive. We work at jobs where efficiency and the "job description" trump people's talents, passions and strengths. We live lives in shadow of the person that makes more money, which has more friends, that has a better car, has a better life.

We don't know how to love ourselves. We don't know how to be happy. We don't know what that looks like.

The church hasn't helped in this arena either. We create these subcultures and tell people that they are inherently bad, that they have nothing to offer that is valuable unless you do it with the Christian label attached to it.

It's not good music unless it's from a Christian label and sold at an over priced Christian bookstore. We tell people that their lives should be joyous and filled with smiles and that Jesus will solve all their problems and that all we need is religion. We tell people to be authentic, but then we shun them, fire them and push them out of our cliques when they open up about what is going on in their lives. We talk about hell like it's some sort of vengeance for Christians. That God is some sick tyrant who just loves to send people to a fiery pit for all eternity.

For so much of my life I have bought into and subscribed to so much of what the church puts into our heads. Honestly I am tired of all the games, lies and teachings that don't reflect the Jesus I attempt to follow.

For the past few years I have used my blogs as an avenue for me to bitch and complain about what the church is doing (and not doing) and I can honestly say for the first time in my 10 years as being a Christ Follower; I am finally ready to make a step in direction of making a difference in the world around me. I am tired of living in the fear that I have clothed myself in for so long. I am tired of living my life in the shadow of people that I am not, nor never will be. I am tired of living a life where my passion is never seen but just heard and read. I am tired of living a life that doesn't mean anything.

A change is coming, I'll keep you posted.

Last night was one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts were coming to me faster than I could process them. They say we think 300 times faster than what we can communicate verbally. It seems that when my room goes black, and my head touches the soft, plush brown pillow a film strip complete with audio commentary begins to play in my mind.

I jump from one clip thought to another, each one not lasting longer than a few seconds. Conversations I’ve had, situations I’ve been in, or yet to be in, my mind seems to go where it wants to. And in the theatre of my own cerebral cortex, I sit alone, absorbing what I want, discarding the rest and changing anything as I see fit.

I had a conversation with a good friend last night which was a catalyst to such rapid mental activity. We have been talking about a recent decision of mine and he was trying to challenge me on it. I apologize ahead of time for being so vague; it’s just not the right time to out myself. Just know that it is life changing, and will affect the course of my life.

Our conversations shifted from my decision, to the topic of gifts and strengths and the role they play in the life of the believer. He shared with me that because of his marriage, and where his life had taken him, that he had to “prune” some of his gifts and passions and even let some of them die. This made me upset, not in an angry sort of way, but more empathetically and compassionately. He said that he spends his time serving his wife and taking care of his home and that his new calling.

I grieved for him. I grieved because I saw a friend burry some amazing gifts that could be utilized in such amazing ways.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for him serving his wife and sacrificing for his family, but a family was never meant to justify loosing passions and gifts. These gifts were perfect gifts given to him by the Holy Spirit and it was up to him to let them grow and flourish in his life, so that others may be impacted and ultimately God would be glorified.

I think it’s so typical of our culture as well as the church to communicate these types of ideas. I mean we are born with this instinct to create, to imagine, to play and over time this creative spirit just begins to slowly die. Education, family, churches, society, friends all encourage us to grow up, to become mature and set aside childish ways. When this happens the creative spirit that I believe God has given each of us, slowly dies and we live that is ordinary, plain, boring; like the narrative that God wants to create in our lives is lost by the pursuit of money, status and stuff.

I mean the same Spirit that created everything we see around us, the universe, colors, light, and even life itself is the same spirit that lives inside of us. And if we are in Christ we should live lives that ooze with creativity. Why do sacrifice our dreams for a safe pay check, our passions for a Toyota and our life’s purpose to fit in?

Last weekend I went bowling with a theatre friend and a few of her friends. After we left the bowling alley we went back to her apartment, sat around in old furniture, ate delicious mandarin oranges, drank dark beer and talked about life. Twenty minutes after I got there, someone pulled out a bag of marijuana and begin to pass around a black and silver pipe that released the smoke in the air which created a thin layer of haze in the room.

At the beginning of the night I remember praying and asking God for an opportunity to share life with these people who didn’t know God. What ever he wanted me to do, what ever he wanted me to say, I wanted to make myself open and available.

Funny how God works sometimes, I spend my entire life hearing that I should stay away from this stuff and these type of people, but God leads me to this place where I smile, pass the pipe to the person to my left and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

We got into this conversation about the link between the biological and the spiritual. I listened through most of it, until everyone began to talk about death and the meaning of it all. One person made as statement about how all we are is energy, and energy never really dies, that when our physical body dies we just become energy that is absorbed into the universe. Everyone pretty much concurred.

Remember by this time everyone in the room was flying, so I felt free to ask or say anything I want. So I disagreed, I raised the question that if that’s true, then what is the meaning of it all. What is the purpose of life?

If it is true that all we are is energy, then our lives don’t matter and simply all we are is just electricity. I challenged them with this question.

“Do you have a purpose, a mission an instilled life pursuit?”

Silence for a full minute.

“Whoa, that’s deep.” Someone exclaimed as they reached for another orange.

“I think so,” someone said “I mean, I feel like I have a purpose.”

“What is that purpose?” I asked.

“To raise my son, and to sing.” They said.

“To sing?” I clarified. “Yeah, ever since I was really little I wanted to sing, and I am good at it.” “But all you are, is simple energy, energy doesn’t have purpose on its own, it needs to be harnessed by some outside force to do anything functional,” I responded.

“Whoa, that’s deep,” the same person mumbled as they wipe orange juice from there mouth.

I felt led to end the conversation there. Here these people were, had no relationship with Jesus, lived a life that most of us would call risky, promiscuous and “unchristian” and they feel like they have purpose. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the Holy Spirit, what ever it was, it helped me to realize that we all have this desire to do something great. No matter where we are at in life.

I think the greatest tragedy that can happen to a person is when they loose this desire to do something great. When they no longer believe that their life has a purpose; that they are simply existing to survive and to carry on the family name.

I think suicide is the last act of passion a person can pursue, that in every other area of life, their passions, their gifts were destroyed either by decisions they have made, or people in their life, or by the culture that surrounds them.

Suicide happens when people give up on their God given dreams, desires and potentional, They desperately and passionately want to take control of something, even if it is their own death. I think people give up on their passions and gifts long before the trigger is pulled or they make the leap. I think it happens when we decided to choose the ordinary over the extraordinary, the mundane over the exciting and the safe over the dangerous.

I think our society is so afraid of failure that we choose the safe way out in every circumstance. We choose a job that pays well, but leaves us empty and thirsty just so we can pay for things that we think will quench a thirst, but like a can of coke on a hot day, it just leaves us thirsty again.

We choose the suburbs because of the quality schools and safe neighborhoods all while there is a whole diverse, beautiful culture that is happening in the city.

We choose Christian friends that think like us, act like us, look like us because we don’t want to risk becoming tempted to sin. We ignore beautiful people, with amazing stories and fantastic personalities because we only like people who are clones of ourselves. Jesus never intended for us to enter a church culture that remolds our lives, tastes and passions to line up with church expectations. We are narcissistic, self centered and religious and we love other narcissistic, self centered and religious people. They validate our own insecurities, fear and shallowness.

We choose a life, a narrative, a journey which is boring because it is safe. All while we ignore all the hurting, hungry, thirsty and naked people in the world. We fear becoming recognized as one of them, we fear being seen as week, as a social outcast. We think the dirt and the failure will rub off on us. So we keep our distance, toss money to organizations that help them which puffs up our ego and we think we’ve done something good for humanity.

I am terrified that I will not make a difference. I am terrified that I am living a life that is focused on myself. I am terrified that I am living a life that loves stuff and myself and not the lives around me.

What would it look like if those who were in Christ began to live a life that isn’t defined by what we believe, but by the extraordinary lives we live? What if we spent our time, resources, strengths into pouring into others and not trying to pursue wealth, stuff and status?

Are we prepared to ask such questions? Are we prepared for the answers that God will reveal to us?