this is me.

2008-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

The space is modern, nothing special. Grey carpeting, white walls. If it wasn’t for the grey padded chairs that are lined up in a liner fashion and the oversized black stage, you would swear cubicles would be suitable for this environment.

But in the midst of the corporate-like environment -- God is here. After spending only a few minutes in the worship space at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, Missouri, the words “angels playground” came to mind. I could almost see the the spirit of God dancing -- to the music that He directs through the 20-something worship leaders.

It just amazes me so much, that I can drive 8-hours and pull into this parking lot, buy a mocha and enter this space and be amongst fellow believers who share the same passion as I do.

Sure I don’t know their names, in fact I don’t know anyone here. But I don’t think that matters to much. We are all united under one spirit, we are all worshiping the same God that called each of us by name, that paid for the sins that we are now free from.

And in this moment, this day, he draws us all together, to worship in perfect unity. We are now closer than any blood relatives could ever be. Our spirits are connected as we are connected to The Spirit.

I feel like this is is the first of a few oasis's of my trip. That God has led me here, to let me drink from the cup, rest in the presence and consume the word.
My narrative, my story that God has so uniquely shaped for my life is becoming more and more interesting all the time. I feel as though I am in the midst of pivoting the course of my life.

I feel like the past year God has let me taste the life that I desired in the beginning -- only to revel the life that He has for me.

I have no idea what this next week, month, year will look like -- however I know that what ever happends -- the life I live will not be ordinary.

May my God’s will become evident in my life. May the love of Christ be evident in my actions and words. May the Spirit that empowered great men like Peter, John, Paul empower me today. May my life be extraordinary, not for the elevation of my name -- but to Glorify the one I strive to follow.

2008-01-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna miss this place...

Ok, not really.

2008-01-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

Driving back to Dubuque yesterday morning something interesting happened. I think God answered a prayer as I was praying.

Not that I am some super spiritual person. I’m a bit crap at prayer – I forget, I am not focused, or to be honest I just don’t care sometimes. But on this brisk, snowy January morning I found myself praying as I was cruising down the road at a steady 40-mph to avoid going in the ditch.

My prayer was going as followed…

“God thank you for your faithfulness, thank you that you have provided for me so much as I transition to San Diego. I just ask that you would give me wisdom and guide me as I step into this new life, new job and new relationships.”

(I continued.)

“God you are so good to me even though I am not good at following you…give me the….”

As I said this I quieted and paused my spirit-filled words and turned down Sufjan Stevens playing through my car’s stereo.

“Oh shit…”

(I missed the day in church when they said that you shouldn’t swear in your prayers)

In this seemingly dieing spiritual moment between God, and myself I began to feel a violent shaking in my poor Jetta.

My prayer shifted in focus.

“God I just ask that you would fix whatever is wrong. You gave man the ability to make a car, I pray that you fix my Jetta.”

Then this question popped into my head – “Can God even fix my car, it’s German…I mean it’s a Volkswagen?”

Then I wrapped up this prayer, “God, help me to make it back to Dubuque so I an get it looked at.”

God did answer my prayer; I arrived in Dubuque safely to pull into the auto mechanics parking lot and Five hours, 2 new tires, 2 new tie-rods, an oil change, an alignment and $650 dollars later I drove my repaired Jetta home.

I don’t understand God sometimes; I mean he blesses me with this money, or at least with the ability to earn the money. He knows that I need that money to get out to California and to pay rent for my new apartment.

Then in one violent, vibrating moment, he takes it away.

God does things like this – all the time in fact. And not just to me, I mean read the book of Jonah. Jonah, after preaching to the heathen Ninevites, goes away from the pagan-city in witch he just condemned, rests under a large vine.

Jonah is pist about God not keeping up His end of the deal. Jonah preaches wrath, God wipes out the city with fiery boulders from heaven.

In the morning, after he wakes up, the vine is gone -- probably just a partially worm eaten stump, most likely not even enough to lean against.

This is what God says after Jonah justifiably gets frustrated:

Jonah 4:9
But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?"
“I do," Jonah said. "I am angry enough to die."

Even though I am not sure what “angry enough to die” looks like, I an on some level, relate with the Prophet. The Lord continues…

"You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?"

This is where I would say, “Yeah, but…”.

Lately I have been trying to ask the question God does things like this, is “God, what are you teaching me in this.”

I guess one of the most frustrating things about learning to Follow God, is that God teaches his disciples in narrative.

Either through a parable or a situation, or object – it is clear that God doesn’t use the ‘lecture’ method to prove his point.

I mean He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows that we forget lectures, we forget ‘bullet points’. We need stories.

In those “Oh shit…” moments, I am learning to pay attention. It’s almost as if the “Oh shit…” moments are equally as spiritual as the times of worship or desperate prayer. And it is in these moments where God is teaching us the most – that God wants to prove his faithfulness and sovereignty so much to us he puts us in these seemingly hopeless situations, where all is lost, where the vine is gone, where the bank account is depleted.

Last night my dad called me as I was heading out to go into the office to make up for the time I missed yesterday. He told me that he was going to replace all the money that I spent on my car, and then some. He told me that he supports me moving to California and that he is proud of me.

I sat in my Jetta, turned the ignition, leaned back in my seat and thanked God for the amazing life I have, and how good he is.

2008-01-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

My First Ever Professional Design.

Two years ago for Crossroads Community Church in Freeport, Illinois. What do you think?

2007-12-29T00:34:00.001-08:00

While wasting time on YouTube (my favorite thing to do), I came across this video that mocks and spoofs Rob Bell's Nooma Video "Bullhorn". As many of you know I am a Rob Bell fan, so I new I had to respond.

Here is the video that he made.

And here is my video response.

2007-12-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

The last month of school was always the toughest -- days seem to drag on and on. Like the sands of time seemed to turn into thick molasses seeping through an hourglass one slow drip at a time.

Sitting eight hours in an unair-conditioned room, listening to a teacher talk about fun of long division and being forced to sit next to the sweaty fat kid who, moments previous played dodge ball and ate a bag of Doritos.

Waiting sucks.

I recently went to the dentist where I had two minor cavities filled. Waiting rooms (we can all agree) suck. They’re all the same; soft, poppy music playing overhead. The stiffly padded maroon furniture with old cheerio’s stiffed in the cracks and four year old copies of Time and People magazine on a table with a gaudy pink lamp and a box of tissue.

I feel as though my life, for the next month will be day after day of the soothing sounds of Kenny G, Highlight’s Magazine and a little boy named Christopher that runs around spitting up cheerios and crying at an ear damaging decibel. For the next month, I am going through the motions. I am putting in my time. And I am growing ever more restless in this stationary, idol state.

My only relief is the short amount of time that I spend with friends and family, zoning out while watching Heroes and 24, and oh yes, how could I forget sleep.

Sleep can either be fantastic or ruthless because when your brain finally does shut off, time just leaves. One moment it’s 8pm, the next moment it’s 8 am. Twelve hours goes by seemingly in a matter of deep, rest saturated moments. For the death row inmate who has his execution at 8am, this could work against you. But for the 10 year old who anxiously awaits the brand new, 12 speed with the dual shocks on both wheels, sleep and the absence of time could be a beautiful thing.

On the 28th of January I will be packing as much of what I own into my lovely silver Jetta, driving 28 hours west and arriving in San Diego, California to start a new job and a new life.

Excitement can’t begin to describe the feeling. The only feeling that comes close is the feeling you have while you are standing inline for the world’s fastest rollercoaster, your stomach feels like you’ve just ingested a small tire, and you sweat in places you never knew you could.

But once you step onto the ride, sling the harness over your chest and pull the bar down to your lap, you know that this is going to be the ride of your life. And all the waiting, was totally worth it.

2007-12-24T16:14:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2007-12-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

Well done Topper old man!

My second family for the past 4 months. (I'm in the orange)

2007-12-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

my new home...

more coming soon.

2007-12-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

Satan is a bastard sometimes.

I haven't had as much guilt, frustration, depression and financial difficulty as I have in the past two weeks. I feel like I'm being attacked fro every angle.

I'm not one to blame things on Satan, but seriously it all seems to be directed at keeping me from moving to California.

Last night I was actually considering not going.

2007-12-18T23:30:00.001-08:00

Kenneth Baker by Thomas Pringle

Creativity in it's purest form.

Creativity Explored is a non-profit visual arts center for people with disabilities.

"The art is apart of me, it brings up a whole identity of myself, I'm not looking for a pat on the back or anything, I just love art."

--Vincent, Member Artist of Creativity Explored in San Fransisco

2007-12-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

A change is coming (or pass the Tylenol)

I have been feeling melancholy the past few days. Close friends can tell that my soul is weighing heavy. I have so much on my mind. I save-face by claiming that I'm tired or it's a simple headache, however I feel as though that it is so much more than something a couple Tylenol can cure.

In this in-between stage of my life, I feel as though I am grieving for the life that I am leaving behind and anxious for the new path I have decided to take. So much is going to change, so much is going to be different, and I can't help but feel as though my life will be so much more fulfilling and fruitful.

I had a conversation with my new doctor friend Adam a few nights ago that has been weighing on my mind. I met Adam through the current theatrical production I am involved with. He is a charismatic, very outgoing, positive and loving person. He deeply cares about people, and is the type of person that everyone wants to be around. I feel as though sometimes Adam knows more about me than perhaps myself. That he can see through the aloof, guarded exterior that I tend to hide behind.

Isn't it amazing how a couple of insightful observations from a good friend can totally rock your world, can shift your paradigms and leave you contemplative for days, weeks, months.

"I would love to see you in five-years Patrick," Adam said with a slight grin as he sipped his Killians long-neck. "What do you mean?" I said as I stared into my overly sweet Margarita.

"I see you desperately trying to break out of this mold, this cocoon of fear if you will," Adam responded in his overly enthusiastic way. "Once you break out of it, your whole life will change, your body, your thinking, your attitude, I can't wait to see you in five years."

I guess it is true that I have let fear shape pretty much every area of my life. Most of my life I have made decisions based upon desperately needing acceptance from those around me. I am terrified of showing emotion, my true colors and what is really going inside of my head.

Adam has been one of my biggest encouragers the past few months as I have had to make some life altering decisions. He helped me to figure out that I shouldn't settle for a job that doesn't pay what I don't deserve. That I deserve better than the narrow-mindedness in which I come across at work. I can have the life that I truly desire and not settle for a life that is safe, but sacrificing my true happiness, calling and passions.

"Patrick just love yourself, trust your self, do what makes you happy." Adam always says when I want to complain and bitch about life, work and whatever.

I am starting to figure out that culture doesn't do a very good job at teaching us how to "love ourselves". We go to schools where science and math are placed in the top priority over art and music. We are surrounded by an athletic worshiping high-school where the painters and actors are sitting in the back row secretly envious of the football players and the attention they receive. We work at jobs where efficiency and the "job description" trump people's talents, passions and strengths. We live lives in shadow of the person that makes more money, which has more friends, that has a better car, has a better life.

We don't know how to love ourselves. We don't know how to be happy. We don't know what that looks like.

The church hasn't helped in this arena either. We create these subcultures and tell people that they are inherently bad, that they have nothing to offer that is valuable unless you do it with the Christian label attached to it.

It's not good music unless it's from a Christian label and sold at an over priced Christian bookstore. We tell people that their lives should be joyous and filled with smiles and that Jesus will solve all their problems and that all we need is religion. We tell people to be authentic, but then we shun them, fire them and push them out of our cliques when they open up about what is going on in their lives. We talk about hell like it's some sort of vengeance for Christians. That God is some sick tyrant who just loves to send people to a fiery pit for all eternity.

For so much of my life I have bought into and subscribed to so much of what the church puts into our heads. Honestly I am tired of all the games, lies and teachings that don't reflect the Jesus I attempt to follow.

For the past few years I have used my blogs as an avenue for me to bitch and complain about what the church is doing (and not doing) and I can honestly say for the first time in my 10 years as being a Christ Follower; I am finally ready to make a step in direction of making a difference in the world around me. I am tired of living in the fear that I have clothed myself in for so long. I am tired of living my life in the shadow of people that I am not, nor never will be. I am tired of living a life where my passion is never seen but just heard and read. I am tired of living a life that doesn't mean anything.

A change is coming, I'll keep you posted.

2007-11-24T00:29:00.000-08:00

Last night was one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts were coming to me faster than I could process them. They say we think 300 times faster than what we can communicate verbally. It seems that when my room goes black, and my head touches the soft, plush brown pillow a film strip complete with audio commentary begins to play in my mind.

I jump from one clip thought to another, each one not lasting longer than a few seconds. Conversations I’ve had, situations I’ve been in, or yet to be in, my mind seems to go where it wants to. And in the theatre of my own cerebral cortex, I sit alone, absorbing what I want, discarding the rest and changing anything as I see fit.

I had a conversation with a good friend last night which was a catalyst to such rapid mental activity. We have been talking about a recent decision of mine and he was trying to challenge me on it. I apologize ahead of time for being so vague; it’s just not the right time to out myself. Just know that it is life changing, and will affect the course of my life.

Our conversations shifted from my decision, to the topic of gifts and strengths and the role they play in the life of the believer. He shared with me that because of his marriage, and where his life had taken him, that he had to “prune” some of his gifts and passions and even let some of them die. This made me upset, not in an angry sort of way, but more empathetically and compassionately. He said that he spends his time serving his wife and taking care of his home and that his new calling.

I grieved for him. I grieved because I saw a friend burry some amazing gifts that could be utilized in such amazing ways.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for him serving his wife and sacrificing for his family, but a family was never meant to justify loosing passions and gifts. These gifts were perfect gifts given to him by the Holy Spirit and it was up to him to let them grow and flourish in his life, so that others may be impacted and ultimately God would be glorified.

I think it’s so typical of our culture as well as the church to communicate these types of ideas. I mean we are born with this instinct to create, to imagine, to play and over time this creative spirit just begins to slowly die. Education, family, churches, society, friends all encourage us to grow up, to become mature and set aside childish ways. When this happens the creative spirit that I believe God has given each of us, slowly dies and we live that is ordinary, plain, boring; like the narrative that God wants to create in our lives is lost by the pursuit of money, status and stuff.

I mean the same Spirit that created everything we see around us, the universe, colors, light, and even life itself is the same spirit that lives inside of us. And if we are in Christ we should live lives that ooze with creativity. Why do sacrifice our dreams for a safe pay check, our passions for a Toyota and our life’s purpose to fit in?

Last weekend I went bowling with a theatre friend and a few of her friends. After we left the bowling alley we went back to her apartment, sat around in old furniture, ate delicious mandarin oranges, drank dark beer and talked about life. Twenty minutes after I got there, someone pulled out a bag of marijuana and begin to pass around a black and silver pipe that released the smoke in the air which created a thin layer of haze in the room.

At the beginning of the night I remember praying and asking God for an opportunity to share life with these people who didn’t know God. What ever he wanted me to do, what ever he wanted me to say, I wanted to make myself open and available.

Funny how God works sometimes, I spend my entire life hearing that I should stay away from this stuff and these type of people, but God leads me to this place where I smile, pass the pipe to the person to my left and trust that God knows what He’s doing.

We got into this conversation about the link between the biological and the spiritual. I listened through most of it, until everyone began to talk about death and the meaning of it all. One person made as statement about how all we are is energy, and energy never really dies, that when our physical body dies we just become energy that is absorbed into the universe. Everyone pretty much concurred.

Remember by this time everyone in the room was flying, so I felt free to ask or say anything I want. So I disagreed, I raised the question that if that’s true, then what is the meaning of it all. What is the purpose of life?

If it is true that all we are is energy, then our lives don’t matter and simply all we are is just electricity. I challenged them with this question.

“Do you have a purpose, a mission an instilled life pursuit?”

Silence for a full minute.

“Whoa, that’s deep.” Someone exclaimed as they reached for another orange.

“I think so,” someone said “I mean, I feel like I have a purpose.”

“What is that purpose?” I asked.

“To raise my son, and to sing.” They said.

“To sing?” I clarified. “Yeah, ever since I was really little I wanted to sing, and I am good at it.” “But all you are, is simple energy, energy doesn’t have purpose on its own, it needs to be harnessed by some outside force to do anything functional,” I responded.

“Whoa, that’s deep,” the same person mumbled as they wipe orange juice from there mouth.

I felt led to end the conversation there. Here these people were, had no relationship with Jesus, lived a life that most of us would call risky, promiscuous and “unchristian” and they feel like they have purpose. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the Holy Spirit, what ever it was, it helped me to realize that we all have this desire to do something great. No matter where we are at in life.

I think the greatest tragedy that can happen to a person is when they loose this desire to do something great. When they no longer believe that their life has a purpose; that they are simply existing to survive and to carry on the family name.

I think suicide is the last act of passion a person can pursue, that in every other area of life, their passions, their gifts were destroyed either by decisions they have made, or people in their life, or by the culture that surrounds them.

Suicide happens when people give up on their God given dreams, desires and potentional, They desperately and passionately want to take control of something, even if it is their own death. I think people give up on their passions and gifts long before the trigger is pulled or they make the leap. I think it happens when we decided to choose the ordinary over the extraordinary, the mundane over the exciting and the safe over the dangerous.

I think our society is so afraid of failure that we choose the safe way out in every circumstance. We choose a job that pays well, but leaves us empty and thirsty just so we can pay for things that we think will quench a thirst, but like a can of coke on a hot day, it just leaves us thirsty again.

We choose the suburbs because of the quality schools and safe neighborhoods all while there is a whole diverse, beautiful culture that is happening in the city.

We choose Christian friends that think like us, act like us, look like us because we don’t want to risk becoming tempted to sin. We ignore beautiful people, with amazing stories and fantastic personalities because we only like people who are clones of ourselves. Jesus never intended for us to enter a church culture that remolds our lives, tastes and passions to line up with church expectations. We are narcissistic, self centered and religious and we love other narcissistic, self centered and religious people. They validate our own insecurities, fear and shallowness.

We choose a life, a narrative, a journey which is boring because it is safe. All while we ignore all the hurting, hungry, thirsty and naked people in the world. We fear becoming recognized as one of them, we fear being seen as week, as a social outcast. We think the dirt and the failure will rub off on us. So we keep our distance, toss money to organizations that help them which puffs up our ego and we think we’ve done something good for humanity.

I am terrified that I will not make a difference. I am terrified that I am living a life that is focused on myself. I am terrified that I am living a life that loves stuff and myself and not the lives around me.

What would it look like if those who were in Christ began to live a life that isn’t defined by what we believe, but by the extraordinary lives we live? What if we spent our time, resources, strengths into pouring into others and not trying to pursue wealth, stuff and status?

Are we prepared to ask such questions? Are we prepared for the answers that God will reveal to us?

2007-11-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

{ CLICK HERE TO LISTEN }

I wanted to do something different than my normal blog. I wrote this last summer and I really haven't shared it with anyone. I guess it is something that God has been doing inside of me for a while now. It seems like when I am close to God he gives me words like this; when I'm not, I have nothing to say.

I am a speechless prophet, seeking the one who gives me words.

This is our cry. Voices from this generation sing out

Spark a fire to engulf our souls

Put a prophetic vision on our tongues

Our faith is too small, our lives are to quite

Bring us to a new place

Past our fathers hollow tradition and our mother--s easy comfort

May our eyes see what you see

May our ears hear the crying of your hurting children

May our feet bring the gospel to the wandering

Quite the voices of the false prophets

Kill our bitterness and materialism

Bring us to a new place oh God

Old men dream, dreams

Young men see visions

What does all this mean?

Help us to understand.

Let our voices cry out to a lost and dying generation

Wake up oh sleeper and rise from the dead

May your breath give life to our dry bones of fading passion

Warriors, fight like you once did

Prayers once again intercede

Revolutionaries rest no more

Healers have lost their faith

Apostles remain still,

the prophets remain quiet

Let the dancers dance once more,

Let the lips of the singers sing a new song

Let our hands heal diseases, and our voices raise the dead

This is our cry -- Voices from this generation sing out

Our words will not be quieted

Our spirits will not be tamed

Rise up and take a stand

Let us trample on injustice

And dance in His presence

Fire fall

Wind blow

Spirit come

--- Patrick Fore, July 2006

2007-11-19T22:23:00.002-08:00

Brick by brick, stone by stone, beliefs which were so secure are now loosened by tremors of doubt and uncertainty. The mortar that is my faith held not in place my belief in God, but belief in personal doctrine. The majority of the foundation of what I believe has not been rooted in the cross, but has been rooted in ideas of men.

Smart men, but men none the less. Authors, pastors, speakers, friends and artists; they have all shaped the box that I squeeze God into on a daily basis. Every once in a while God wants to escape, to leave the box and I am left confused, dumb-founded and full of doubt.

Doubt not only in those who have spoken into my life, but doubt in every aspect of what I think, feel and know about God. This past week has been tremor after tremor uprising from my soul; leaving me to pick up the pieces of my once intact theology.

So it seems when you are a new believer you spend the majority of your time reading, listening to, mentored by, and researching to build a structure that forms what we believe. We are told this is what any responsible, mature Christian does; because inevitably the storms of life will come, and the more solid our theology is, the more we can stand firm against the currents of false doctrine, trials, temptations and every other bad thing that happens to us. But, as for me anyway – a free thinking, educated, intellectual who was raised with the ability to think critically about ideas, theories and "facts", to not just take them a face value – for me when I inevitably begin to question those stones and bricks that make up the structure that is my faith, the entire mass begins to waver and teeter like a flexing skyscraper in a fierce windstorm.

A reoccurring thought that I have about the Christian life is that the more we grow in Christ, the more questions begin to surface. Like a butterfly that has just morphed and transformed from a season of protection from the cocoon, parts of my theology are freed from the concrete barriers of evangelical doctrine, opened up and allowed to breath. Questions fluttering around in my soul like a monarch in a open field, I feel as though God has more room to work in my life, the box that I put him in, stretches, expands and grows.

I think one of the greatest tools of Satan, is that he deceives those who believe in Jesus, into thinking that the more extensive, solid and secure their theology is, the safer the are. It's strange isn't it, the stronger we believe that our theology is the correct theology, the more we keep people out. We get so focused on our right beliefs that we become Pharisees, jerks, religious, legalistic, fearful and ineffective in living out the gospel. Show me a church that thinks that they have a monopoly on truth, and I'll show you a church that is impotent, shallow and ineffective.

I think the best thing for me, for anyone, is not being afraid to ask the following queston.

Why?

Why do I believe that women can't preach?

Why do I believe that abortion is wrong?

Why do I belive that Jesus is the only way?

Why must I believe the earth was created in seven literal days?

Why do I belive that homosexuals are living in sin?

Why do I believe the life in Christ, is the best life a person can have?

Terrifying isn't it, when we begin to ask questions such as this. Can a person love God and still be a homosexual? Can a person love God and still believe in evolution?

Even as I listed those, there are some who would assume a lot by me even listing those particular questions. We are terrified by questions that we do not have the answers to. So we get defensive and angry at the questioner; accusing and slandering -- anything to avoid thinking for ourselves and coming up with an answer that wasn't just spoon fed to us by some Christian author or preacher, but one that we have arrived at on our own.

I guess the kicker in all this, is the real possibility that there are those questions that we will never have an answer to. That we will have face the question, retreat into a humble posture and admit that we don't know.

Perhaps the best thing that can happen to our lives as believers and to let the butterfly go, allow it to flutter in our souls and enjoy the freedom of not knowing, not having all the answers.

"Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." Jesus -- Mark 10:15

Perhaps those who have all the answers should take a lesson from those that don't. That until those questions that lay dormant in their souls are freed, perhaps the Kingdom of God, what ever that means, will never come to them.

2007-11-19T22:23:00.001-08:00

Last night I got together with some friends at a local establishment to share in a brew, watch the Cowboys spank the Eagles and study the book of Mathew (in the bible). A great combination if you ask me. We do this every Sunday night, and every Sunday night I walk away thinking, understanding Mathew a little better and challenged to not only learn, but walk out the scriptures in my daily life.

We talked about the first part of Mathew 6 – 'The beatitudes'. Michael, a friend who led the way in starting this group always challenges my thinking. I absolutely love it, I love discovering new things about the scriptures.

The early Jews believed that when you discovered something new from the scriptures, that it was a blessing from God, and they would offer thanks to God, for revealing something new to them.

It's funny, but there was a point in my life where I thought I had the Christian life figured out. I thought that I knew what I believed, and I knew why I believed it. But as my friend Julia and I were talking about last night, so it seems the more mature we grow in Christ, the less we know, and the more questions surface in our soul.

I have so many questions; questions that I never used to have, questions that I once thought I had the answer to, questions that I have always been afraid to ask. And I arrive at this place and I feel like I know more than ever, that through my lack of understanding, God is working and teaching me more than he ever has before.

I call this part of my life Spiritual Puberty.

It's an awkward time in my spiritual development. My soul feels kind of funny, its a new kind of feeling. My beliefs are cracking, the desire to pray is coming up at random times and places, and I am starting to notice people, I mean really notice them. I am beginning to see my life as not just a list of goals, desires and wants but asking the question, how could I live my life to bring about the Kingdom of God. How can I be Jesus to other people?

I am beginning to understand my need for grace, not only with God, but in my relationships. I am beginning to understand that I need to have grace with others, just as it's okay that I'm not perfect, it's just as okay that others aren't perfect.

Last night Michael called me out on a small rant I had about the Christian Media. We were talking and I mentioned that I hated Christian television and radio. I used the words "right-wing propaganda" numerous times. After he laughed at me he informed me that his wife had discovered Jesus through Christian radio. This didn't stop my rant. I said something about how God can use anything he wants to glorify Himself, and that if He can speak through a mule, than surely he can speak through ignorant, right-wing propagators.

"Where is the grace," he said as I calmed down. "Have you ever sat down and talked to those who are on Christian radio and TV?"

Where is the grace? I was thinking about that on the way home -- that if I had my own radio show, that I too would have a few moments of stupidity, and though I have heard quite a few "stupid moments" of others in the media, I must realize that we all blow it. And that I refused to acknowledge the good that those in this industry are doing, all I wanted to do is focus on the negative and get angry. I liked how that felt. I liked getting angry about that.

On the flip side, why am I not as angry, or angrier with the injustice in the world? The sex trade of young children that is going on all over Asia, the genocide that is going on in Dar Fur, the aids crises in Africa, or the family down the street who doesn't have enough food -- where is my anger for those who can't stand up for themselves?

Part of me feels that I should be doing more, that I shouldn't be spending my life in some cubical, but I should be out fighting injustice, preaching the gospel, making disciples, loving those who have never been loved and teaching others to do the same.

I am scared that I am wasting my life. And though I don't know what all that looks like, I do know that I'm sure it's more than church twice a week and bible study and beer on Sunday nights.

What is my purpose? What is my mission?

Or is it that I know the answer to these questions and I am terrified of acting on them. Maybe I am refusing to live out the vision for my life that God has already given to me. So I get a big job, get in a lot of debt, not because I need all that, but I am terrified what would happen if I would finally say yes to God.

2007-11-19T22:22:00.001-08:00

I have always pictured finding 'the one' in a more serendipitous, spontaneous event where I would reach down to grab my latte, begin to sip the foam that seeped from the hole in the lid, turn around and, WHAM…. there she would be, smiling, beautiful eyes locking with mine, a soft orchestra would begin to play as everyone in the building seem to freeze in this moment of amazing bliss.

Not so much.

Three or four times a week I frequent establishments such as this and well nothing. It's usually someone named Bill who is getting his venti, dark roast so he can hurry back to the construction site.

I guess I am a romantic in that sense. The books I've read, the movies I've watched -- it all seems to go down like this. I guess my love for the narrative always hoped my story; my romantic comedy would be as witty and charming as that of a Meg Ryan movie or a Jane Austin novel.

Becoming proactive in my "search" for romantic bliss is a difficult thing me to justify. But when it's Saturday night, and I'm in a Borders reading a book about boring things like business leadership or some dead artist of the 16th century I tend to get this wave of loneliness, like the coffee and poetry would taste so much better with the warmth of a good women next to me.

To all single women everywhere….

I think trying to describe your self on a site such as that is kind of silly. Don't get me wrong I love talking about myself, but I guess I am under the firm belief that you have to be in the presence of someone to really get an accurate picture of them. In great works of literature, you have this image of someone in your mind as you follow their life, their pain, their love. Then when the movie comes out, you buck at the idea of that same character that you had so accurately pictured in the deep crevices of your brain, is now played by a George Clooney or a Kira Knightly.

I want to say upfront, that any women will be disappointed with me. Sure I can paint a rosy picture of myself, outlining all my amazing qualities, describing my looks in some romantic, poetic fashion but you will be blinded by my ability to romantically arrange words in a certain, polished way.

I guess to some it all up -- I am your typical guy. I am not romantic all the time, I will leave the toilet seat up, and I will forget to open the door for you. I love breasts, beer and football. I like movies where things get blown up and driving my Jetta 120mph is fun for me..

I say all that to say I am not perfect, even though I tend to dress well (so I've been told) and that I can be sensitive (the artist in me), I did not walk out of a Humphrey Bogart movie. I don't have timeless, romantic sayings like "Here's looking at you kid…".

But enough about me. What about you?

Who are you? How do you define yourself? Can you be defined? Do you laugh when things go wrong? Do you get angry at injustice? Do you love Jesus? Do you love people?

Do you think marriage will fulfill you in every way?

If you are married to me, it probably won't in fact I know it won't. I need someone who is patient, kind and understanding of how often I fall short of living up to the kind of guy that you expect and deserve.

So to some it all up, yes, I still hope for that serendipitous moment where time stands still, but I guess I am starting to arrive at this place where I am realizing that it might not happen like it has been in my mind for the past few years or so.

Or maybe it will, maybe to give up hope in that takes away from the story, the beautiful narrative of my life, the beautiful narrative of your life, who ever you are.

2007-11-19T22:20:00.000-08:00

The future.

It lies before us like a track before a runner.

Unknown, unpredictable, unavoidable.

I have been pondering this idea of the future for some time. Thoughts about quantum physics, existentialism fill my mind.

Recent conversations about Calvinism, Fatalism and Universalism rest on my soul and keep me awake at night.

I have questions, many of them. It seems like the more I grow in Christ the more questions about this whole deal I have. How much freedom do we have? Do we have freedom at all? Or are we hostages of God, forced to go to heaven, were we will worship a God that we didn't choose for all eternity. What about those that God didn't choose, will they end up in Hell, where they will be separated from God for all eternity, not based upon a choice, but by a decision from the Creator.

Perhaps a better question is this, Do we, as those whom are in God have the potential to engage with God about the future? Can we change the mind of God? What is the connection between prayer and the future?

I think we as Christians are uncomfortable with the future. We are almost not allowed to engage in a conversation about the future. We almost feel as though it is not our place, that because God is sovereign the future is off limits.

But how do we explain men like Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden, etc. These men not only believed they could create a certain future, they were on some level successful in creating (as evil as it was) a future of destruction and death for thousands, millions of people.

Is the future only accessible to the psychics, the dictators and the terrorists? What if Christians began, through the Holy Spirit began to engage with the future? What would that look like? What would our churches look like? How much more would we impact culture?

We know from scripture that God had conversations with men all the time about the future. We also know that God gave visions and dreams. God even gave dreams to pagan kings. In Jeremiah it says that in the last days, your young men will see visions and your old men will dream, dreams.

Why was this limited to the Old Testament, or even the New Testament? Paul in Corinthians even says that he wishes that we may all may speak in tongues, but above that he wishes that we may PROPHESY in love.

What does that mean? Is that possible for modern day believers?

I have studied Jeremiah 29:11 quite a lot over the past year as I have been trying to pray about my own future. We all know the text. "For I know the plans I have for you declares for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

"Plans" with our western, linear worldviews we see it more like a blueprint; where God has a detailed outline for our lives; however if you study the original Hebrew for "Plans" it more or less translates to thoughts, ideas or even DREAMS.

"For I know the dreams I have your you declares for you, dreams to prosper you, not to harm you, dreams to give you hope and a future."

GOD'S PLANS ALWAYS INVOLVES HOPE

God is not exclusive, but inclusive. It is His desire that ALL might be saved.

In Genesis 18:16 there is an amazing story about Abraham intervening with God's planned destruction of Sodom. God is ready to wipe these people out, and Abraham through a conversation somehow convinces God to spare the city if he found 10 righteous people.

God's plan was set, he had made up his mind and Abraham cried out before him, "Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are 50 righteous people in the city, will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for 50 righteous people?"

We do not love people more than God does. It is not God's desire for anyone to perish.

The staple verse of our faith explains it well. "For God so loved the world, he gave his one and only Son..."

It did not say, For God so loved the chosen, or the elect, or the few, he said THE WORLD, and everyone in it.

It is not of God, if you say that God has not chosen an individual for salvation. Jesus did NOT die on a cross so that few may be saved, but all. It is God's desire that none shall perish, but all shall inherit eternal life. And to say anything else is not a message of Jesus.

When Jesus spoke with the Canaanite women in Mathew 15; from the outside it looks like Jesus is excluding her because of whom she descended. This woman in faith comes to Jesus and asks for her daughter to be released from a demon. Jesus, in seemingly one of his worst moments says to her "I was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel." If we end the story here, Calvinism and a Fatalistic Christianity would make sense. But the conversation didn't end. The woman because of her great faith knelt before Jesus and asked again for desperate help. The disciples were pestering Jesus to send her away like a begging dog. Jesus, as almost as if he knew what would happen responded to the women "It is not right to take the children's bread and feed it to their dogs." Again in her faith and desperation responded, "Yes Lord, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the masters table." Jesus commended her faith, and delivered her daughter.

I believe this was a lesson to both the disciples and to us. It does not matter your ethnicity, your background, your education you race, your sexual orientation, God came to earth to save all for those who come to Jesus in faith.

Jesus said there is a narrow gate and a wide gate, and that many will CHOOSE the wide gate that leads to death, and that few will choose the narrow gate and choose life.

We are called in Mathew 28:19 to extend to all areas of the earth and make disciples and baptize. We do this to fulfill the commission that Jesus laid out for us before He ascended into heaven.

Yes, it is true that God chosen you, however it is also true that He has chosen your family, your friends, your coworkers, your town, your country, your world to come to know him. And He has chosen you, to bring the hope and truth to them.

2007-03-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

I have realized several things in the past couple of weeks. I thought I would share them with you. Just to warn you, this is me shooting my skeletons. (From Rob Bell's book, Velvet Elvis) I have realized that my life will not reflect Jesus until I have the courage to show my struggles, my sins and allow God's grace to be displayed through my brokenness.

I am broken, I am not whole. To the extent I am whole is to the extent God holds the broken pieces together by His grace and mercy. I dont deserve this grace, I spit on this grace everyday. I turn my back on God constantly, and I live in denial that I am at the core, a messed up, broken person in desperate need of the healing power of Christ in my life.

I have realized that I am a deeply selfish person. I will do anything for anyone as long as I have something to gain from it; recognition, status, respect. I serve in the church not out of love, but as to gain popularity for the limited talent that God has given me. I have been a "Christian" since I was 15 and I have used the church and Christians for my own personal gain. I used the church to improve my own self esteem and gain an unhealthy and sinful pride that lead me to think I was better than people, better than my brothers and sisters in Christ because I knew stuff, I had talent, I fit in, I was cool.

I have also learned that I don't like myself. I have learned to cover this up in so many ways. I am insecure, scared and lonely. I have a problem receiving love from God and others because I don't think I deserve it. I read books, learned all I can so that I could be accepted by strategic people in the church. I held my self worth in the approoval and acceptance of others.

I am dishonest. I have lied to gain approval and acceptance. I am terrified of showing my hurts; my struggles do to the lack of respect that I would receive. I am scared to death of being found out and seen for who I truly am.

A constant message that I have been hearing over and over from various ministries is how to love God. I never thought I had an issue in this area. I loved God by way of doing ministry. I loved God by going to church. I loved God by smiling and conversing with people I don't want to converse with. I loved God by putting on my fake plastic smile every week and shaking the germ infested hand of the greeter at the door.

I have issues with loving God. I have issues with loving my self. I have issues with loving others. I have issues with love as a whole.

Tonight (at Crossroads Church) the message was once again, one of those messages that hit a little to close to home. Lately every message I hear I feel like God is saying, "Hey Patrick, pay attention, this is for you." Loving your self was the message tonight; I almost walked out. But at the same time I was intrigued by the topic. I honestly don't know how to love myself. I never really have loved myself. Loving myself, I found out is the foundation for loving people, which is needed to love God.

A couple weeks ago I heard a message about how to love God, I've been thinking and processing about that, but tonight God showed me that I first need to love myself. That maybe I need to take care of my own soul before I look for avenues and ways to love God.

2007-02-25T21:07:00.001-08:00

Confessions -- Moving from sinner to sainthood.

"Beeeep, Beeeep, Beeeep, Beeeep"

That's all I hear before my arm instinctively swings around and smacks the long snooze button on my abrasive and annoying alarm clock.

I don't want to get up, I'll just stay here in the warmth and security of my baby blue down comforter and my white over stuffed pillows in my chilled, two bedroom apartment.

By the second or third round of loud, annoying noises blaring from the little white box that sits on my night stand next to my Zen water fountain and a copy of 'The Message' and an warn in copy of Blue Like Jazz; my body slowly awakens to a new day, a fresh start, once again a chance to change my world, make it a better place.

Maybe that is a little to idealistic; that's now what I think. Honestly I think how I dread to get out of my warm safe-haven to make my way to my small bathroom.

My life I feel, has taken a 90-degree turn the past couple of weeks. Priorities have shifted, my confidence has risen and I feel like I am making my first steps into adulthood.

Things are going pretty well for me right now; I received a great job doing what I love. I honestly look forward to going to work in the morning. I go in early, and work late. Last Monday was my first day at the Dubuque Telegraph Herald. I was hired to be a creative artist. A perfect job for me really. I am excited, energized by ever project to which I am assigned.

But in the back in my mind I can't help but think is this job my new life? Is this what I will be doing in 20, 30 years down the road? Don't get me wrong, that wouldn't be a bad thing. I love doing design, and to pay me for something I am going to do anyway is always a good thing.

I am scared though, I am scared of loosing my faith. There I said it. I have been struggling with this thought this whole week.

I don't know what to think about this because it's a weird concept to me. Since I was 15 there has always been the Christianity, the church involved in my life. The church for me has been a huge blessing in my life. God has given me opportunities to do amazing things, go to places I never thought I would go, meet the most interesting people. But honestly at this point I know that something dramatic has to change in my faith, or I feel like I'm inadvertently, slowly being pulled down a road in which I never thought I would be.

To get me wrong, I'm not going turning gay or developing an chemical addiction, but I am just loosing my energy to pursue things that have to do with Christianity.

I still read my bible, still pray…But I honestly feel like in terms of living a passionate Christian life, I want it all, or I would rather observe from a distance.

I had a conversation with my pastor recently that really got me thinking about how I've lived my life since I've became a Christian. I realized that I really haven't been honest with my self, or others in the faith a lot of the time about how I'm doing or what is happening with my relationship with God.

The more I got involved in the church, the less honest I felt I could be. So I lied, a lot, about what was going on my life. I was so passionately driven to rising up in the ministry and being this faith hero to people that I started to live in this denial about how I was doing and who I was.

I learned to say the right things to the right people to get noticed. I found my identity not in Christ, but how cool and recognized I was within the church.

Growing up I have always struggled with identity issues, self confidence wasn't something I had a lot of. When I became a "Christian", or started to attend my youth group, I learned that I could perhaps reach some level of being accepted if I just said the right things, acted a certain way around the right people.

So I started listening to Christian music and reading Christian books and going to all the church events. I learned how to lead a small group, learned how to pray right, learned how to talk the talk. All this was so that I could be accepted by a group of people who looked past how I dressed how "uncool" my hair cut was.

I learned to use the church for my own relational gain and self assurance. This has gone on since I stepped into the church for the first time when I was 15.

I recently read the book 'Velvet Elvis' by Rob Bell, and it really convicted me about a lot of these areas. One point in the book, it talked about how we need to take all our skeletons and take them out in the back yard and shoot them. Expose them and leave them for dead and move on with our life.

I am starting to figure out that I need to shoot my skeletons.

For so long I have been so afraid that keeping my skeletons in the closet was helping me elevate my status in the church and the ministry. The longer my life went on, the more I convinced that said skeletons didn't even exist. So I went on with my life and tried not to think about my past, my failures, my sins, my addictions all the hidden things in my life that would hinder my success.

This might sound silly to you, but a couple weeks ago I had a paradigm shift, it I truly think was a milestone in my life. I realized something.

I hate sports.

I could care less about baseball or the super bowl. I am not a naturally competitive person in that regard.

Growing up, sports was preached to me from everywhere, my parents, the media, my peers, everyone telling me that I should play football and root for a certain team.

I don't care, I never have.

So I lied.

When I was in 5^th grade I told people that I played pee-wee hockey and played for a football team in town.

I learned that if say the right things to the right people that, poof, instantly I'm a star. With out even running a yard or throwing a pass, it didn't matter because people naturally believe people. People, even kids want to see others succeed, I manipulated that.

Getting this job for me was a wake up call for me. I got this job on my own merit, my own talent, my own skill. There wasn't any lying evolved. My employer saw my portfolio and my experience and decided to hire me based upon these three things.

It felt so good, a feeling of accomplishment that was almost foreign to me.

I honestly feel like if I return to the church, it has to be a fresh start. I am no longer "Patrick Fore, experienced and seasoned in all things Christian", but "Patrick Fore, sinner, saved by grace, redeemed by the blood of Christ that was shed on the Cross, made new by the mercy and goodness of God."

I mentioned in my last post that I was beginning a book.

It's true, I am, I thought I would post the progress as it is made at some point.

I decided to call it 'Confessions', from sinner, to sainthood.

I guess it is my way of shooting my skeletons once and for all. I am terrified for people to read it. But it I think will hit home with a lot people and well as is a catalyst for huge change in my life.

This I know is to long already so I will end it there. I welcome for feedback, but please don't preach feel the need to give advise, I need to figure this thing out on my own.

2007-02-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted, a lot has happened. In the past month alone I have moved out of the home of gracious Rex and Laura Rains to my own quaint two-bedroom in downtown Galena, Illinois. I received and lost a high paying job at the Dubuque daily newspaper. My church has moved from a middle school to their own space, in the center of Dubuque. I had a flat tire coming home from Dubuque, and was left stranded in 9-degree weather along the highway. And now I have a new car, a Dodge Stratus.

And I haven't gotten to the best part. This deserves a paragraph all to itself.

While driving to our weekly college hang-out a few weeks back was talking to my good friend Amy Harlan from Birmingham; I wrecked my infamous and invaluable Kia. Here is how it all went down.

Driving talking to Amy from Alabama, with quite sounds of classical music play in the background; I see a car pass me and flash their lights at me. I think to myself, hmm, must be a cop, I slow down to the posted speed limit.

Driving some more, still talking to Amy.

WHAM…!

"Holy Cow Amy, I think I just hit…..a cow!" I yell -- then proceed to freak out.

"Calm down Patrick, are you ok?" Amy calmly questioned.

"Yes I think so, what should I do?" I yelled.

"Call for help."

"Good point, thanks Amy."

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that things like this happen to me. If you know me even in the slightest bit you know things like this happen a lot to me. Either performing CPR on a construction worker on the side if Interstate-90; or almost drowning in a river in West Virginia, my life is far from conventional.

I would be lying though if I would tell you that all the recent events haven't caused stress. I've had so much stress that it's hard for me to focus on anything lately, sitting down to write this blog is a hard task, let alone sitting down to pray and read my Bible.

I guess God has taken a backseat through all of this though. In church today if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't have a car, I would have left.

I can almost feel the hands of God trying to take control of my life again. I am definitely at a place where I am wrestling with my creator. I've been putting up a good fight, but I don't think God is playing around anymore. So much so, that he sacrificed a cow to get my attention. I know its God; I know he is pursuing me.

2006-10-31T21:39:00.000-08:00

When I was seventeen I dated a girl who went to a Baptist church in a smaller suburb of St. Louis. Her church was small. The sanctuary smelled like my grandmothers coat closet and the pews were hard, uncomfortable and scratched from years of kids digging their finger nails into the dull wood. The church was the kind I had imagined a church to be growing up; Pot luck dinners on Sunday nights and little old ladies singing the ‘Doxology’ off key on Sunday morning.

Little kids wore suits that were past down from their older siblings. They were too small; their pants would only reach the tops of their ankles leaving their miss-matched socks exposed.

The pastor of that church was a short man, his hair was pulled all the way back and was still damp from either his Sunday morning shower or the lack of air conditioning in the stuffy, humid one room church. He wore a suit that was out of style, it was probably purchased at garage sale by his wife a few years back. I could tell it was his preaching suit because his worn-in maroon leather bible matched his pressed faded maroon sport coat.

He looked older than he was; years of preaching had gave him a raspy voice and he walked with a slight limp. He was fiery, passionate and he knew what he believed. The week that I went was a normal Sunday morning for them, the sun was bright, and it was hot outside, but even hotter inside. The four high ceiling fans only acted to blow the trapped heat down to us causing a slight breeze of warm obnoxious air. We walked in, and sat down next to the center isle about six rows back from the front where a hand carved wooden alter stood.

The preacher walked up to the podium, grabbed his aged bible and a copy of the church bulletin which was simply typed on a letter size paper folded once in the middle. People shifted in their seats and you heard the rustling of people pulling out their bulletins from their King James Bibles and large leather Sunday purses. On the front of the bulletin was the name and contact information of the church. There was a simple geometric cross right below that. It was nothing impressive at all. Inside were all the prayer needs. Sister Mary needs prayer for her husbands heart condition, Brother Earl needs prayer for persistent headaches, and the list filled a whole half page. On the back was information on an upcoming evangelist and a pot-luck that was occurring the following Sunday.

As the preacher finished up with the bulletin, he made eye contact with me. I knew this wasn’t going to be good; “Looks like we have a visitor today; stand up son and tell everyone your name,” he said with big grin as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with his matching cloth handkerchief that he had in his left breast pocket.

This was new to me; I’ve been to churches that do meet and greet, but I guess at this church I was the meet and great. I stood up and in a loud confident voice said, my name is Patrick Fore, and I’m from Freeport, Illinois. The next thing I knew there were a line of people forming in front of me. I guess this church doesn’t get visitors very often, and to get a teenager was a special treat. As I began to shake hands, all the old ladies pinched my cheek and said “God bless you”, and the older gentleman offered me their old leathery callused hands, I shook it firmly and returned a smile.

This was my first and really only Baptist experience growing up. My mom told me once about the zealous Baptists who would hang out near the schools while trying to convert the heathen 3rd graders and pass out tracts and little orange bibles.

So I guess now finding myself in a Southern Baptist church is a very strange thing for me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have reservations because I do. The transition from a more charismatic church in Grand Rapids, Michigan to a Southern Baptist church in Dubuque, Iowa is a definite culture shift.

The only reason I am making the shift and transition isn’t because I am turning Baptist and letting go of my Pentecostal beliefs. I guess I am under the belief that I am a Christ Follower and nothing else. I refuse to define myself as a Baptist or a Pentecostal. I am not anything but a guy that runs after God and hungers and thirsts for His presence in my life. At this point, I could really careless what church I’m in. I am going to try with everything I have to act as one who has been called out and redeemed. I refuse to fit the mold of a Baptist, Pentecostal or even a Christian. I desire everything that God offers us. I refuse to be scared of what I don’t understand, and I refuse to let my narrow-minded thinking get in the way of what God wants to do through me.

A friend told me he could never serve in a place where they don’t recognize the gifts of the spirit. I haven been thinking about that a lot lately. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe the reason why God has placed me in such a conservative and reserved community is because he wants to use me to show people what they can have and what He can do. That blows my mind.

I guess that as a Christ Follower the lines of denominations are blurred. I think it isn’t that important anymore what church affiliation you side with. If you search the scriptures the only really denomination that God showed us was the sheep’s and the goats; those that follow God and love people and the ones that are stubborn and do their own thing with out having a kingdom mindset.

I love my new church. Yes, it’s more of a contemporary church, modern in its methods, but the people there love God, and love people. That is what is important I’m discovering. Even though I stuck out like a sore thumb in that old Baptist church in Florissant, Missouri, I don’t doubt that those old farmers and farmer’s wives live God, and I know they have a grandparent love for the up and coming younger generations.

How we define ourselves isn’t by whom we associate with or even what we believe, it is by how much we love God and love others. To be a Christian is easy and shallow most of the time. To be a Christ Follower and live a life that Jesus has called us to is the most challenging, yet the most fulfilling.

Let love be a catalyst to our success, continue to break down the denominational walls and bring unity to the body of Christ. One Church, One World, One Love.

2006-02-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

I want the things you just can't give me...

It's a Nickel Creek blue grass morning. The new sun brought with it, melancholy and uncertainty. Last night I stayed up pretty late playing my guitar and sitting in front of the radiant glow of my Dell, typing and clicking away. I wish I could calculate how many hours were spent in front of a monitor of some kind; or it's possible that I don't really want to know.

Uncertainty seems to be the theme of my life. I've learned not to worry. Last year my fear was that I was going to have to move back home because I couldn't afford to live in Michigan. Now my fear is that God wants me in Michigan; as such I'm leaving the details up to him. I'm probably not going to be at the camp this summer. Hopefully I will have acquired some other position that pays more. Health insurance maybe, please Mr. Scrooge?

TheCurrent is in a strange place. I'm not really sure what the future looks like for us, even the immediate future. I know that moving is in the picture. Not sure where, I know where ever we go its going to be a huge leap of faith. Money is something that I'm sure God laughs at, the whole concept of it that is. But its hard for us to laugh at, it's something we "need". I feel weird saying that. I feel dirty saying that. Churches that I used to work for used to say that. That is gross to me. I never, in this church or any one that I pastor want to feed people the lie that unless you give financially to the church, then God won't bless your finances. I would much rather have people in theCurrent give money to a single mom who works two jobs.

Even in my giving, I wish I could give my car away. I think I could, I think God would bless me for doing so, but that would have me to take my faith to a level that I'm not ready for. I guess it comes down to unbelief. I don't believe the promises enough that because God takes care of the flowers of the field and the birds in the air, that how much more will He take care of me; His adopted son.

I got in a car accident last Tuesday. It was strange how it all went down. The week previous I sat on a bar stool in the Essential Bean, at theCurrent service delivering a message about how we lack the faith for God to provide; so as such we don't give. We don't give to the poor; we don't give to the church. We just save, horde, and keep on spending; meanwhile kids go hungry, people on the streets freeze and somewhere a mother cries her self to sleep because she can't pay the bills.

There is a song by Derek Webb that speaks to my soul every time I hear it. Its soul piercing, the truth and honesty are thick. I graciously provided the lyrics below.

Rich Young Ruler

poverty is so hard to see
when it's only on your tv and twenty miles across town
where we're all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus' neighborhood
where he's hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can't give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up
come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what's the deal
i don't sleep around and i don't steal
i want the things you just can't give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brother's, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can't give me

2006-02-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing how quickly things can change in ones life. Thoughts, perspectives, relationships, passions; they all can shift at a moments notice.

I guess I’ve lived my life up to this point a certain way, it has worked in a few ways, but in many more it has failed me. I’m alive, I’m doing ok. But I think I am approaching a season of my life of intense change. I guess I’m tired and warn out of living the way I am. I’ve kept up this certain image for far to long, my life isn’t defined by authenticity, but more or less trying to be someone I’m not.

I shaved my head yesterday. I guess it’s symbolic in a way. It was hard to do. I’ve literally had to grieve its loss. I had a dream last night where I woke up and all my hair back again. I don’t know if I’m at the point of regretting it, but I seriously question myself for doing it. I guess it’s symbolic in the sense that I know that God has been leading me to rid my life of some hard stuff. I know that God is calling me to be someone, which differs from the person that I currently am. For far too long I have been shaped and molded by society and other people’s opinions and I am quite frankly tired of it.

Today has been a day of feeling sorry for myself; depression might be the right word for it. I guess I don’t know what is in store for the road ahead. There are feelings of fear, and excitement. Feelings of pain and joy in knowing that I am turning a corner in my life, and maybe these feelings are feelings that of grief, in that I am losing something, I am loosing a part of me that has been with me for a long time.

What started this? What started this sort of thinking? I can’t say all, but a lot of this came from a book that God used as a mirror to show me a life that I should be living, and a life that I should be leaving.

It’s a paper back, approximately 350 pages, on the cover it has the texture of a cardboard box and on the binding it creates the illusion that it’s held together with duct-tape. On the left margin of the cover it’s a picture the author Shane Claiborne. He is pretty normal looking 20-something, square trendy glasses, and a patch of hair that covers his chin. I guess what makes him stand out is the bandanna that holds back his long, shaggy hair. The title of the book is in that of a vintage maroon font, “The Irresistible Revolution,” it reads, with a sub-title of “Living as an ordinary radical,”.

I picked up this book not knowing what to expect, I hadn’t heard anything about it. The only reason I bought was because some of my favorite authors had indorsed it. I would suggest that you go out and by this book, but I’m not going to. I hate it. I haven’t been able to read it for the past two days. I’m only on page 114 and I don’t know if I can get through the rest. I seriously don’t suggest reading this book unless you want your faith, your life to be rocked.

For the past 8-years of my life I thought I have been a Christ Follower. I’ve learned that I haven’t covered much ground. I live so selfishly, always thinking about me and my needs. My goals and my plans for the future, I guess it doesn’t matter so much anymore, my plans that is, and I guess I am at the point where I am ready to learn how to give my life away, as apposed to just living my life.

I feel like I need to make a choice. Either I completely walk away from my faith leaving everything behind, and pursue a life that part of me desires, making money, having sex and doing what I want, or I truly lay my life down at the cross, and pick up a huge burden of living out the kingdom of God.

Each side has its positives and negatives, each side I could maybe see myself doing, each side scares me. But I’m learning that I can’t have a mixture of the two.

Please pray for me as I make this choice, I don’t know what to expect, and what all this means. I am in a weird state right now and it’s all rather new to me.

Although now a cliché’, I feel like Neo in the Matrix and I have a choice of what pill to take. One pill is that of mediocrity, and the other scares the shit out of me.

2006-02-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

Kimm is a fun girl; she is might what you call bubbly, she has an extroverted personality, perfect for employment at a camp. With a Ramons tee-shirt and men’s Levis jeans and short dyed red hair, Kim just by looking at her is an interesting person.

I met Kimm a few months after I started working at a camp south of Grand Rapids. About a year ago we were driving down the highway talking about whatever till she noticed a black hard back book sitting in my back seat.

The book she picked up was ‘Adventures in Missing the Point’ by Tony Compolo and Brian McLaren. This book examines of issues of the faith and culture and from their perspective dialogue about the points missed by the church.

I knew Kimm wasn’t a Christian; she had made that clear to me when I told her that my previous job was working at a large church in Grand Rapids. When I told her, she looked at me like I just told her I ran away to join the circus, though in many ways that church was much like a circus. Because of this reaction, I was curious to see how she would react to Compolo’s and McLaren’s writings.

I got comfortable, tilting my drivers seat back, and started driving like a white gangsta and let her read. A few minutes past by and she looked up and asked me my feelings on homosexuality and homosexual marriage. With out even thinking about it, I went into Jerry Farwell mode and started to regurgitate what has been engrained in my head by the evangelical church. To be honest, it wasn’t quite Farwell, but it wasn’t Jesus either. I didn’t even think about why she might ask such a question.

I told her how it doesn’t line up with God’s plan for creation. I told Kimm that marriage was intended for a man and a woman, and I told her that specifically marriage is reserved for a man and a woman and not persons of the same sex. I said all this with the same rhetoric that is communicated in the church.

Later that night we were strolling through the mall, making conversation about the various people passing us. We kept walking and soon a girl walked up to us whom obviously knew Kimm and started to have a conversation with her. I stood there and tried not to pay to much attention to what they were saying. As I was trying to pretend like I was interested in a flyer for some nail solon, one sentence caught my attention, “Are you still with that one girl, what’s her name,” she instantly looked at me to see if I noticed and waited for me to react. I tried not to, but in my mind I was yelling at myself for our little homosexual conversation that took place about an hour previous.

She finished up her friendly exchange with her friend and we continued to walk. She was obviously flustered and a little upset. “I can’t believe she out’ed me like that,” she said while crossing her arms and looking down. “Patrick, I hope that doesn’t bother you that I’m gay.” “Not at all, don’t worry about it,” I responded, not wanting to embarrass her anymore than she already was.

I really wasn’t bothered; I really didn’t know what to think. I am embarrassed to say that after 8 years of being a Christian, I hadn’t known or was friends with any homosexual. Oh sure I had met some, but I had never hung out with them. Up until this point this was reserved exclusively for Christians. Flowed thinking I know, but this is all I had known.

God has taught me that in order to connect with His heart, I must begin to connect with the culture in which I live. I begin to read the gospels so much differently after God began to reveal these things to me. I began to see the love and compassion that Jesus had for ordinary people. The biggest thing that struck me was not the respect and awe these people showed Jesus, but they thought of Jesus as a normal friend, whom they could hang out with, talk with and eat food with. This, I’m discovering is a picture of what our attitude and mentality should be towards those that don’t know God.

Kimm is a good friend; we connect on a deep level. We have amazing conversations about all kinds of things. But she doesn’t know God. She will in time I believe, but right now all I can do is love her as a friend, and continue to pray for her.

It makes me sick though, to hear churches views on homosexuality, not because I necessarily disagree with the heart of the message, but how they present this message then puts up massive walls that closes the homosexual community off even more to hearing about how much God loves them, and how much they need Him to fulfill this huge void, that only God Himself can fill. In the big picture, the sin of homosexuality is no different then the sin of lust, murder or theft. That Jesus died for them just as much me, and to look upon my sin as more acceptable is completely wrong and unbiblical.

I think everyone should have a friend just like Kimm, someone that can clue you in on what is happening in culture. Someone that doesn’t hold your same, lets face it, narrow way of thinking. That as Christians we should be just as much in and involved in culture as Jesus was. That no longer can we afford to hide behind or renovated suburban church walls, but we should be out, in and among those whom we are called to reach. That when we do, we will connect with the heart of God in a much deeper way than we can ever imagine.